http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=43657 What Star Wars Jedi or Sith character is most like your personality?

You scored as a Darth Vader

You are most like Darth Vader. You sacrificed everything in your life to save the lives of your wife and your unborn children; The Republic, The Jedi Order and your own peace. You fear lack of control above all else. You train your own variant of the lightsaber form Shien/Djem So in which taking advantage of your opponents strengths is trained. Chanelling defense into offense is key. You lived up to your title of The Chosen One when you sacrificed yourself to eradicate the empire and to restore the Republic. You finally achieved preservation of self after death.

Darth Vader 100% Anakin Skywalker 100% Mace Windu 86% Darth Revan 86% Darth Maul 79% Exar Kun 79% Luke Skywalker 79% Obi-Wan Kenobi (Post Death of Qui-Gon Jinn) 79% Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus 71% Qui-Gon Jinn 71% Darth Sidious 71% Obi-Wan Kenobi (Pre Death of Qui-Gon Jinn) 71% Bastila Shan 64% Yoda 43%

Jewel Kilcher - Last Dance Rodeo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqoMa85tHxw

Your lungs fill up with concrete, her voice is all you can hear
Red lips and a 'Screwdriver', wrapped around some mink-clad smear
And you know that she's no diamond in this damn jukebox hell
'Cause Fools Gold only fools fools in two-bit hotels.
But she's cooler than all that, a real high-class cat
Queen of the Last Dance Rodeo

But under the gas lamp, the air is thick and velvety
Your bones filled with hunger, your heart fills with longing
You're no longer human, you're an insatiable hole
You wanna bury your face forever in the navel of her soul
'Cause you know

All you need is a heart to call home
All you need is a heart to call home
That's all

Light bulbs and nylons and plastic chandeliers
Objects are only objects, they can't feel when you're near
And tangerine lips and lily-white breasts
These things are eternal inside them humanity rests
The skin is like a seashell, you listen to her soul
Like an old-time radio show

But under the gas lamp, the air is thick and velvety
Your bones filled with hunger, your heart fills with longing
You're no longer human, you're an insatiable hole.
You wanna bury your face forever in the navel of her soul
'Cause you know ...

All you need is a heart to call home
All you need is a heart to call home
That's all

But don't wander too far on one constant star
Darkness exists, except where you are
My feet are filled with wandering, they follow your own
'Cause everywhere you are feels like home

So search all you miners, you hunters of dreams
Look in the alleyways for what you know is not what it seems
And fame, all you maidens, but don't resist too long
But at least look behind you and see your own shadow is gone
Don't you know it's the last rodeo
You gotta find yourself a cowboy or someone to keep you warm when it's cold

But under the gas lamp, the air is thick and velvety
Your bones filled with hunger, your heart fills with longing
You're no longer human, you're an insatiable hole
You wanna bury your face forever in the navel of her soul
'Cause you know

All you need is a heart to call home
All you need is a heart
All you need is a heart to call home
That's all

Jewel
Goodbye Alice in Wonderland

----
First and foremost, if this email bother you, feel free to flag it as junkmail.



It's been awhile

This song is to whoever think that being single is something I, or for anybody else for that matter, enjoy.

Funny, someone asked me something along those lines the other day. My answer was that I'm not ready. Not ready because things are still what they are. Because being single makes it easy to be able to do the things that needs doing.

And

because everything that i hold dear probably will be better of without me anyway.

That does not mean i think less of those who have the courage to be with their loved ones. Far from it, i think they are, by far, the most courageous people i have ever have the privilege to be friends with, or at least to know.

Through them, i 'siphon' the best things of life has to offer - God too, if you're a believer, no matter who you pray to. Siphon is probably too better of a word - some might be tempted to say 'leech' - does that make me a parasite?

I guess it does. Just another sin to add to the list.

I certainly was surprised that some people think that i'm 'Good'. "Orang terbaik yang gue dan istri gue tahu."

I don't deserve such a statement, there are infinitely far more deserving people. I'm not even well, 'Nice'. I couldn't think of a 'amiccable' reaction to that statement the moment it was uttered. How did that happen? How can i not feel anything?

Sometimes i feel pretty much like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.

"I have all the characteristics of a human being-- skin, hair, bones-- but not one recognizable human emotion, other than greed and disgust. There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense that our lifestyles are probably comparable,

I am simply not there."

How can you love something that is not there?
Something like me.
Someone who couldn't respond to even the most basic of human emotions.

I know well enough who i am and i know that i'm not 'Good'.

Me acting 'Good' would probably come of as insincere attempt of empathy - something fake and not real. Isn't that the same as not being there, it will be like a mockery of people's feelings and emotion.

At least, i know enough that people don't like that.

So, if you believe in God, maybe tonight you can say a prayer for me. A prayer that i can change. Because i believe i can.
Why? I always appreciate an artist or artists able to convey the entire gamut of emotions in their work - from beauty to ugliness, from joy to sorrow. From tragedy to deliverance. Related to my lacking my own perhaps? Probably.

So, even my destructive self still believe there is hope. But not now, not yet.

Maybe when things are better, i'll meet my 'Queen of Last Dance Rodeo," like all of you undoubtedly have. With enough time and effort, even one this lost will be able to find his way home.

Amen.
That is definitely something worth living and hoping for.

http://spider.noxis.net/pub/mp3/INXS%20-%20Switch/03%20Afterglow.mp3

Here I am
Lost in the light of the moon
that comes through my window
Bathed in blue
The walls of my memory divides
The thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow
In your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living
In your afterglow

Here I am
Lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between
The longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow
I'm losing control
My mind drifts away
We only have today

Touch me and I will follow
In your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way
I will sacrifice
'Til the blinding day
When I see your eyes
Now I'm living
In your afterglow

When the faith has gone
As I let you go
As I let you go

Touch me and I will follow
In your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way
I will sacrifice
Now I'm living
In your afterglow

Bathed in blue
The walls of my memory divides
The thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

INXS - Afterglow

At a glance, this song is just your typical rock/ pop song. It's soft, slow with very simple chord progression and lyrics. no vocal acrobatics that will make you win that trip to Simon Cowell's American Idol franchise.

But I like it, I couldn't stop listening to it these past few days.

It helps that the video featured one of my all time favorite models / actress - Estella Warren. There's just something about her face, something inherently - sad.

You know, the kind of face you just want to gently hold with both hands, look deeply into those eyes while telling everything is going to be all right.

It's not quite puppy dog eyes either. It's more like when you barely manage to hold back your tears.

I know. I know. Going on a tangent here.

Back to the topic, if you listened to the song you'll definitely feel a sense of loss, more precisely the loss of someone you cared deeply / loved. Which makes it a good fit for Valentine's day, well, to me anyway.

Isn't today, like any other holiday, is a reminder for us to remember what's really important? The people we love, we care about? To say the important things, things we always put off to a later day, only to find out it's too late when they're not with us anymore.

Don't be like that. Say it now. Take the hand of your loved ones and say how much you care. Say it with flowers, with a kiss, with a song, whatever.

Just say it.

"We only have today."

Don't wait until what you only have is their 'afterglow' - your memories of them, some good, some bad, all the little things they do, but all of them telling you one thing.

That you badly miss them. Miss them so bad, it's like there's a wound inside your heart that refuses to heal, even with time.

You just want to hold them one last time.

"I will find my way
I will sacrifice
'Til the blinding day
When I see your eyes"

Guess what?

You can't.

The living can't mix with the dead - there's nothing we can do but live on. We, just have to come to grips with it - to make our peace.

And say goodbye, or rather, till we meet again. Someday.

"It's you who is closest."

2:37 AM 1/9/2008

I'd forgotten how cold the night can be.

"Must keep warm."

As I rub my hands together, I wondered why the hell am I standing here, in the freezing cold. But, then again, I already know the reason in my heart before my mind can come up with the words.

And the warmth from the heart is all the remainder I need.

Love. I was in love.

Funny thing, love. It will make the strongest man weak on the knees, and the weakest man rise to the most impossible challenge. Makes you do stupid and crazy things, like standing on a cold night, in the freezing cold.

Ah, love. The stuff dreams are made of.

I couldn't keep the stupidest smile from forming on my face. It just seems so right, you can't deny it. Love makes you believe you could do anything, and you'd be willing to do anything to keep that feeling.

In a sense, its very much like a drug. A high that won't wear off.

Somewhere between a giggle and a smile, a man pass me by. He mumbled something i didn't quite get, but the word 'idiot' and 'cold' was clear enough to make out. I flashed a smile to him, to which he shook his head in surprise and continued down the street.

"Zicklein diese Tage."

I had to smile at that comment. He would probably understand all to well, if he had known the reason. To be young and so full of life. Isn't that one the greatest of human condition?

I must confess, I have a very soft spot for this city, much more so than any other. It always seem so full of life, even through all the despair and gloom around it, through the decay and cheap neon glimmers of night life. Live here long enough and you'll be able to see it.

All these lives, disconnected from each other. You'll see it in the empty stares of poeple working at their jobs, waiting in line to ride the bus. It's more apparent at night, as people struggle to get to the confines of their homes, their empty lives and broken dreams.

Why do they bother? Why put themselves day after day, after day to such menial pursuit?

The answer is of course, simple and obvious. Hope. And love.

This particular spot on the city proves it. It embodies the message that hope, and love, can overcome all odds. Given enough time.

About three decades' worth.

In the distance, the growling rumble of engines slowly grew louder and louder, until the bus stops in front of me.

"Sind Sie hereinkommend?"

"Nicht. Gehen Sie voran."

"Hmmmph, ok."

She wasn't on that bus. Maybe the next one.

Yes, that's it. The next one. She will come. She has too. Be patient.

"She will be here." I keep muttering to myself.

I took out my cellphone, or as they call it here, handys. No text messages or missed calls. She'd probably on the way, or got hold up somewhere. Just be patient.

You've been waiting your whole life for this. Certainly a few more minutes wouldn't hurt.

That coffee shop down the street sure looks mighty tempting. All that steam rising from your cup, the aroma of coffee, and perhaps a little bit of chocolate will certainly tickle your nostrils the right way.

"A few minutes more. Just a few minutes more."

I was startled when I feel somebody tugged at my coat.

"Oh, its you. Jeez, where you've been?"

"Sorry, I had to drop a friend off a few blocks from here." Oh, that's why. "So what is this all about?"

"Well, let's go somewhere warm first. How 'bout that coffee shop?"

"Sure. Let's go."

We quickly walked down the street to the shop. It was your typical setup - saw one, saw them all. I'd ordered my usual cup of poison - coffee, black, no cream, no sugar, though I was tempted to copy her order of double latte. As compensation, I'd ordered a cheesecake, which she politely decline to share. She did add her order with some hot apple pies.

We chit chat a bit, talking about your typical nothings, exchanging words while I tried to warm myself up. The hot coffee was awfully hot, to the point of searing my tongue, but it was good feeling to have.

"Looks like you've been standing outside for too long. Why didn't you wait here?"

"Well, I wanted to see the sights."

She giggled, "In the night? How can you possibly see anything?"

With a slight chuckle, I answered, "I wanted to get a feel of it. This is hallowed grown you know. For me."

"Hallowed ground. You mean the Wall?"

"Well, yes. That's part of it."

She took a sip of her latte and looked outside.

"You could barely see the remains now. How long has it been since they tore it down?"

"Almost twenty years."

"Twenty years. Time does heal."

I smiled at her comment, "Yes it does." Then I added, "But some wounds will never heal completely."

She looked at me intently, trying to search the meanings of the words.

I pointed at a building outside.

"See that? That's Hansa Studios."

"And?"

"What do you mean 'and'? That's Hansa Studios, where Bowie recorded 'Heroes', one of his Berlin Trilogy."

"Oh. Heroes. Helden.'

All of the sudden, I remembered the reason I asked her to come here.

"Do you know the story behind the song?"

"No. But I have a feeling you're going to tell me."

"Well, Bowie, and Eno - Brian Eno - had finished writing the music, but they hadn't come up with any lyrics yet. It was originally intended to be instrumental, but then Bowie looked outside the window, at the wall and wrote the lyrics in just several hours."

"What's so special about that?"

"Apart from being undeniably Bowie's most compassionate lyrics ever? You see, when he looked outside Hansa Stuios, he saw two lovers kissing near the wall. Apparently the two had arranged to meet there, and he wondered, what a strange place to meet. After all, this was in 1977, when the Cold war was far from over and you can still see armed guards and machine gun turrets on the Wall."

She seems genuinely interested in the story, which is a good sign. So I continued.

"Bowie, was inspired by the contrast. I think he felt it really captured what Berlin like those days. Life must've been very hard, but it endures. Even in bleakness and gloom."

"I didn't know that," she admitted, then taking another sip of her latte, holding the cup with both hands.

"The first verse goes like this:

I will be king
And you
You will be queen
Though nothing will
Drive them away
We can beat them
Just for one day
We can be Heroes
Just for one day"

"Undeniably, it was from the point of view of one of the lovers, more likely the man. The lyrics is just so awesome. Even though everything around them was against them, the fact that they love each other was a triumph, a testament that life - and love - endures."

"That is beautiful. Simple, but true."

"The next verse goes like this:

And you
You can be mean
And I
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers
And that is a fact
Yes we're lovers
And that is that

Though nothing
Will keep us together
We could steal time
Just for one day
We can be Heroes
For ever and ever
What d'you say"

I was on a roll, I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. They're just so much I want to say to her, so much building inside my chest wanting to get out - all at the same time. I could hear myself blabbering like an idiot. But I couldn't care less. Not with her.

"This is the point where the song really builds up, musically and lyrically. The line 'we could steal time, just for one day' really nails it for me. The fact that this guy, is baring his heart to her, saying he loves her, saying the love they share will make them 'heroes'. 'Heroes', because in daring to love, in loving each other, they are in fact an inspiration to others. to be brave enough, to love."

She looked outside again, still holding the cup of latte with both hands, and then closed her eyes. Maybe she was picturing the two lovers, or just relishing the smell. I always loved the way she curls her lips unknowingly when she does this.

"Just one day. One day."

"Even in that day, that one day, they know they love each other. And that day will stay with them forever - thus the line 'for ever and ever'. That's just...wow. I mean like, what can you say to something like that?"

"I have no idea." She put down the cup, gazing into the slightly half full - or is it half empty - cup.

Still peering into the cup, she said, "Not anyone have that kind of strength."

I agreed, "Yes, it's a lot to ask for. But isn't love worth it? Even if it just for one day." I looked at her face, trying to understand what she's thinking at that moment. "Of all the possible reasons, love is perhaps the best of them all."

She let out a subtle but subdued sigh, her eyes still gazed deeply into the cup.

"I guess it depends.On many things."

"The next verse is only present on the original song, the one from the album, which is over 6 minutes long compared to the 3 minutes version everyone used to hearing.

I can remember
Standing
By the wall
And the guns
Shot above our heads
And we kissed
As though nothing could fall
And the shame
Was on the other side
Oh we can beat them
For ever and ever
Then we can be Heroes
Just for one day

"For me, this verse always brings up images of him holding her hands together. It is as if he was trying to lend her the strength to hold on, to hold on to him, to their love. But at the same time he was actually also trying to draw strength from her - and her love. Like, you know, he was searching for a sign that she will meet him halfway, that she's willing to go down that road with him."

She looked up at me, and I knew she understood.

Her eyes speaks volumes my words can't say. I barely noticed that my voice had begun to tremble as I spoke that verse, like I was also pleading to her as Bowie did.

"However, it's the last verse that brings back reality. They know both of them lack the strength, or will, unable to cross that bridge.

We're nothing
And nothing will help us
Maybe we're lying
Then you better not stay
But we could be safer
Just for one day

"Then they didn't succeed. Their love, I mean."

"Well, in a way, I guess. It's not your typical happy ending. But you see, even when they part their ways, they know. They know that they did love each other and nothing, nothing will ever change that."

She smiled and looked at me.

"Then they won."

"Yes. They won. Love won. About 12 years later, the Wall fell."

"What do you think happened to them?"

"Well, they only exist in Bowie's imagination. You'll have to ask him if you want to know the answer."

She laughed, "I'll be sure to ask him when he's in town."

"Ah, but you're not a Bowie fan. Anyway, that's the reason I love the song so much. And this spot."

"So why...?"

"Did i ask you to meet me here? At night? I wanted to share this, this place. That feeling."

Then i added, "With you."

Everything seems to fall silent then, at least for the both of us. Just like it must have been for the two lovers kissing by the wall.

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold

To you I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold

Crossfade - Cold

Bordering on emo, but still has some rock
sensibilities - power ballad maybe? Anyway, seems
like a proper song for 'this time of year'. Of
course, I believe saying you're sorry shouldn't
be confined to such occasions. As for the lyrics,
well, it seemed to struck a chord with me (no pun
intended) and should be 'gentle' enough
for the masses.

So, there you go.

nine inch nails - in this twilight
year zero

watch the sun,
as it crawls across a final time
and it feels like,
like it was a friend.
it is watching us,
and the world we set on fire
do you wonder,
if it feels the same?

and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
as your time is running out
let me take away your doubt
you can find a better a place
in this twilight

dust to dust,
ashes in your hair remind me
what it feels like
and I won't feel again
night descends
could I have been a better person
if I could only
do it all again

and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
and the longing that you feel
you know none of this real
you will find a better a place
in this twilight

---

i have the greatest respect for nine inch nails' frontman, Trent Reznor. sure, 'With Teeth' was somewhat of a disappointment - it has it's moments, but overall the album did not deliver the 'punch' Reznor promised, unlike his earlier works with the ground breaking 'Broken', the monumental masterpiece 'Downward Spiral' or even the fan-beloved-but-commercial-failure 'Fragile'.

but then again, Trent is pushing 40, recovering from years of substance abuse. coming to terms with mental illness and age doesn't help either. all that will take their toll on anyone, and 'With Teeth' is certainly a testament to that. fans and critics alike couldn't help but think Reznor can only do his best work when he's angry (Broken, Downward Spiral) or intoxicated (Fragile, All That Could've Been). many blasted him for still singing the same angst-ridden lyrics as he did when he was in his twenties and thirties. but honestly, can you imagine Trent Reznor singing songs with lyrics all too easily found in many pop - sorry - contemporary adult music today? hell, no. that's just not right and thankfully, he chose not to.

so, i was both a wee bit hopeful and scared at the same time when i heard Trent announcing nine inch nails' new album - 'year zero'. hopeful that the new album will be just as memorable as Broken and Downward Spiral was and scared if it did not.

it's only recently did i check nin.com again, catching up on news from Trent Reznor and his band of not-so-merrymen. Btw, 'Beside You In Time' really makes me want to buy an HD-DVD just to watch the thing though definitely not BluRay since i really dislike Sony's way of doing things (no managed copies, rootkit DRM and the like). i did saw the Year Zero page, but i never gave it a second thought.

until last month.

that's when i renewed my interest with 'year zero'. I fell in love with Trent's idea of marketing the album - hell, even the entire concept of the album itself.

'towards the end of the world - 15 years time from now'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_Zero_%28album%29
http://yearzero.nin.com/

what a concept - feels so right with how things are going all over the world right now. From Trent (taken from Amazon.com)

"This record began as an experiment with noise on a laptop in a bus on tour somewhere. That sound led to a daydream about the end of the world. That daydream stuck with me and over time revealed itself to be much more. I believe sometimes you have a choice in what inspiration you choose to follow and other times you really don't. This record is the latter. Once I tuned into it, everything fell into place... as if it were meant to be. With a framework established, the songs were very easy to write. Things started happening in my "real" life that blurred the lines of what was fiction and what wasn't. The record turned out to be more than a just a record in scale, as you will see over time.

Part one is year zero. Concept record. Sixteen tracks. All written and performed by me, produced / programmed by me and Atticus Ross, mixed by Alan Moulder, mastered by Brian "Big Bass" Gardner. Release date: April 17, 2007.

What's it about? Well, it takes place about fifteen years in the future. Things are not good. If you imagine a world where greed and power continue to run their likely course, you'll have an idea of the backdrop. The world has reached the breaking point - politically, spiritually and ecologically. Written from various perspectives of people in this world, "year zero" examines various viewpoints set against an impending moment of truth. How does it sound? You will hear for yourself soon enough, but given the point of this document is to provide information...

This record is much more of a "sound collage" than recent efforts from me.

A lot of it was improvised. It is very tedious describing your own music. It's not just music. It's probably too long, but it felt like the right thing to do to paint the complete picture. It will sound different after a few listens. You can think about it and it will reveal more than you were expecting. You can dance to a lot of it. You can f*** to a lot of it (maybe all of it depending on what you're into). "

i like it when Trent Reznor is pissed with the world.

listening to the various 'intentional' downloads scattered around the internet, i dare myself to believe that 'year zero' is probably nine inch nails' best work to date.

all the things that i love with nin's music are present in these songs - the layers after layers of sound, the intricacies of detail, use of noise, trent's incessant tinkering with intruments (sampling-then-mess-with-then-resample-again), the use of dissonance and disharmony to convey a feeling / atmosphere of 'something not right'. the cornerstone and trademark of nin's industrial sonic landscape.

but it's not all fire and brimstone like 'Broken' or 'Downward Spiral'. from the five songs leaked to promote the album, none sound like songs from earlier works. Trent kept nine inch nails' tradition of trying to break new ground with new albums. it still has all the familiar sounds and noise one have come to expect from a nin album, but there's an unmistakable 'more mature' quality to it, akin to what he did with 'Fragile'. undoubtedly, some harsh moments are still present, after all, it's still nine inch nails. the song structures are still pop-like enough for those unfamiliar with nin to like the songs, but still retain many nin qualities - messing and moving around the chorus / solo / bridge, lyrics with slightly offbeat tempos, atonality and dynamics.

'in this twilight' evoke a similar emotions to 'hurt' (at least for me) but there is resignation there - acceptance to things you can't change. like 'hurt', the lyrics spoke to you as if you're there, but unlike 'hurt' the songs is not a confession of remorse, more like a bitter farewell. Trent never discuss the meanings of his songs, prefering to let the audience decided for themselves, but let's take a closer look.

watch the sun,
as it crawls across a final time
and it feels like,
like it was a friend.
it is watching us,
and the world we set on fire
do you wonder,
if it feels the same?

positioned at the end of the album, you'll get a feeling that you're surrounded in despair, hopelessness and inability to change what's happening around you - a final time. also notice the references to heat - the sun warming 'like it was a friend' and slow motion - 'as it crawls across a final time'. it would seem 'final time' is death in this case, perhaps yourself or someone you hold dear. loss of body warmth, hazy feeling - seeing things in slow motion - are experiences often associcated with losing consciousness and death. a larger context like the earth or humanity itself can also be applied here.

and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
as your time is running out
let me take away your doubt
you can find a better a place
in this twilight

surrounded in darkness - black - you long for release, closure. light is often associated with near death experiences or dying. as is often the case, one would try to console another in this situation with the knowledge that 'you can find a better place'. however, you can actually sense the person is in a conflict, torn - perhaps because he's in grief or maybe - maybe because he is trying very hard to convince himself that he actually believe the words he's saying.

twilight is the time before dawn - before a new day. traditionally, people believe a new day will bring new hope for oneself and the world. so, intrisically, the title suggest hope or the act of hoping. so, while he actually does not know what lies 'after' or do not believe, he 'wants' to believe.

dust to dust,
ashes in your hair remind me
what it feels like
and I won't feel again
night descends
could I have been a better person
if I could only
do it all again

notice the references to the ritual of passing - ashes to ashes, dust to dust. with the coming of 'final time' - death, we feel loss, remorse, and regret. we wonder whether we have done enough, whether things could've been different. what would happen if we did things differently. perhaps there are things we wish we could change, but the past is gone and we have to move on.

and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
and the longing that you feel
you know none of this real
you will find a better a place
in this twilight

the only difference between the last chorus and the first is the fifth and sixth lines. a little bit ambiguous but still carry the same theme - loss.

do we believe we will see our departed ones again and everything else is secondary - 'none of this is real'?

or are we still trying to console them and more importantly, ourselves that this world, this existence and the pain, death and destruction around us is 'not real' because it is too 'painful'?

maybe we are still coming to terms with the grief, our weakness / failure from doing 'the right thing' in the past and are still in denial of what happened - a final time for ourselves, humanity and the earth? death we have wrought upon ourselves and everything around us, including to the ones we hold dear? now that we have peeked '15 years into the future', what will we do to change the events of the future?

unlike 'hurt' where Trent basically spoke of his regret having gone through the 'downward spiral', he only uses subtle references for 'in this twilight'. But the effect (for someone listening closely and carefully enough) is just as, if not more, powerful. yes, there is no noise interlude to signify the process of breaking away pieces of yourself till you find who you really are like in 'hurt'. here, the truth is implied sonically with disenchanting drums and noise falsettos - like it's 'wrong' somehow, or that something is missing / not right - similar to 'hurt'slightly false guitar strings. 'in this twilight' also leaves the meaning of the song and the song's conclusion vaguely in the air for the listener to decided themselves unlike 'hurt's increasing, brash wall of sound signifiying an effort to rise, to go back and change things.

Trent. so good to have you back.

unsually, some good news

from nin.com

tr:
"Is it possible I am actually finished writing and recording a new nine inch nails record? Apparently so. We begin mixing in January!Juggling fifteen all-new tracks around. Testing sequences. No leftovers from "with teeth". Highly conceptual. Quite noisy. Fucking cool."

for the time being, halo 22 is coming out - beside you in time at http://halo22.nin.com/

i have a confession to make

i am mentally ill

the illness is called bipolar spectrum disorder

some of you quite probably are more familiar with the old term - manic depression. bipolar spectrum disorder (or bipolar disorder for short) is a clinical definition of the illness.

as the name suggest, bipolar disorder involves extreme mood swings - mania (high) and depression (low), so it is different from the more traditional unipolar disorder (depression). as is often the case, there are several mood states between the two extremes and subtypes of the illness (hence the term bipolar spectrum disorder). I fit the criteria of Bipolar II.

a person suffering bipolar disorder may even exhibit signs of both mania and depression at the same time - a mixed state. Kay Redfield Jamison, who wrote Touched with Fire, is a physician well known for her work with bipolar disorder. namely, because she also suffers from the illness.

"The clinical reality of manic-depressive illness is far more lethal and infinitely more complex than the current psychiatric nomenclature, bipolar disorder, would suggest. Cycles of fluctuating moods and energy levels serve as a background to constantly changing thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. The illness encompasses the extremes of human experience. Thinking can range from florid psychosis, or "madness", to patterns of unusually clear, fast and creative associations, to retardation so profound that no meaningful mental activity can occur. Behavior can be frenzied, expansive, bizarre, and seductive, or it can be seclusive, sluggish, and dangerously suicidal. Moods may swing erratically between euphoria and despair or irritability and desperation. The rapid oscillations and combinations of such extremes result in an intricately textured clinical picture."

let me iterate that clinical explanation from a more personal perspective.

like many persons suffering from this illness, i've been suffering from bipolar disorder for most of my life, without realizing i have the illness. i've always known and realized that i was different from the average person. and not in a good way. people who've known me for a long time can attest to that. like many people suffering from bipolar disorder, my illness was also misdiagnosed as unipolar disorder - depression - since this is the state that attracts the most attention. so when depression have run its course, most people assume all is well. but the truth is of course i'm not well - the actual disorder was never treated.

bipolar disorder states are often triggered by an event in the patient's life - success in life will trigger manic states, while failure or loss will trigger depressive states. it's hard to remember when my first bout with the illness began - more likely it occured in pre adolescent era of my life. it may even be earlier. during these years, i've exhibited the first signs of the illness (that now i'm only beginning to remember) - my inability to cope with certain issues, personal and social and other matters in life. these early episodes of depression and mania, plus the absence of treatment will let the illness shape my personality in the years to come.

bipolar disorder is unique in that the illness causes abnormal, disassociative behavior in people suffering from it, but at the same time these behavior are often regarded as a character trait. it is unnervingly vicious and cruel in this regard. in the long run, misdiagnosed patients like myself will likely 'internalize' the behavior often associated with the disorder into his / her own personality. simply put, my personality began to change. sometimes in states depression, or mixed states, i begin to act strangely.

irrational buying sprees, indecisiveness, lethargy (loss of energy), lack of sleep, talking to myself, delusions of grandeur, paranoia, self loathing, and violent tendencies. i remember i used to 'enjoy' smashing my head to hard objects like concrete walls for no particular reason. why? i 'enjoy' the loss of control, the feeling of pain. it overshadowed my thoughts, drowning out the noises in my head. there are times, when i can't control my thoughts or the flow of it, they fill my head with so much noise that i couldn't sleep when i need to. self destruction became a 'drug' to quiet these noises. the loss of control or conciousness also provided a much needed relief from the world.

of course, there were 'traits' related to mania as well.

seemingly endless energy, wanting to do several things at once, not needing much sleep (2 - 3 hours per day - there are times when i could go on and on with just half an hour of sleep). slurred speech (talking too fast), creative episodes - my head is so full ideas and i need to get them all out, laughing out loud suddenly without any reason, joy and happiness almost to the point of enlightenment, heightened sexual desires.

very much like a raging bull in a stampede.

of course i didn't know it then, as many did that these actions are the illness manifestating itself. people and myself often regard these behaviors as personality quirks. thankfully, recent years have revealed a decline in these behaviors.

as is the norm with bipolar disorders, depressive states will occur after mania have run its course, sometimes lasting much longer (three times longer). there were also times of psychosis (though i didn't know it then).

"Common psychotic symptoms are hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of things not actually there) and delusions (false, strongly held beliefs not influenced by logical reasoning or explained by a person's usual cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder tend to reflect the extreme mood state at the time. For example, delusions of grandiosity, such as believing one is the President or has special powers or wealth, may occur during mania; delusions of guilt or worthlessness, such as believing that one is ruined and penniless or has committed some terrible crime, may appear during depression."

because i didn't know the illness is causing these behaviors, i 'convinced' myself that this is what i am.

all of this is me.
i really believe it then, and to some extent, i believe it still.

my mind started to fill in the blanks, reassuring this 'belief'. so i 'become' a freak of nature, tolerated only for my 'intellectual and creative abilities' since i lack any social skills due to the disease.

a path assured to self destruction.

it was a personal hell, believing yourself to be 'damaged' or 'broken'. i would hurt people, physically and emotionally and won't feel remorse or regret for my actions. i know it was wrong, but i couldn't control it - myself - this monster i have inside me. i began to believe that i'm evil - that i really was the person the illness had made me. i shouldn't even be allowed to live. i hated myself, what i have become, and resigned to the fact that i must accept this as my fate, my destiny. i believed i'm a horrible person who hurt the people around him merely just being around.

to deal with this problem and to avoid injury and harm to others, i detached myself. i didn't allow people inside my personal life than they need to, i stop talking to my friends, even my own family. though i often comment on things, i only told a selected few my personal beliefs. even then, i kept much more hidden away inside.

that i secretly 'enjoyed' violence, the feeling of control and loss of it. anger, rage, hatred fills my head on a daily basis. it was very hard to keep myself 'normal' and not punch someone's face i 'hate' into a broken mesh of flesh and bones. obviously, its the mania talking. it was either that or going to the nuthouse, or worse, jail.

thankfully, Trent Reznor's music (Trent have also admitted he too suffers from bipolar disorder) allowed me an escape, a release of sorts 'to flesh out the demons in my head'. listening to NIN's music, the noises and voices inside my head was finally in harmony. they made sense to my twisted personality. however, the music have an added side effect - they reaffirm my own twisted beliefs. ultimately, there were times i lost control and succumb to my violent tendencies, to those on the receiving end - i can only i am truly sorry.

i kept my mouth shut and wouldn't talk about my 'problems' or other personal issues and beliefs with other people. i limit myself to talking about work or trivial social matters. it was hard, but it was easier - at least now i got along with people, but most importantly they got along with me. at least well enough. they often said i'm much calmer now then i was several years ago or when they first met me.

but the truth is that i chose to direct and release my bipolar excesses inside - onto myself. i couldn't hold a job, nearly dropped out of college and barely graduated on my last year. there were no friends i can talk to about my problems, my relationships were all in shambles.

i really wanted to die, or for someone to kill me. i've lost the will to live, but somehow managed not to kill myself.

i came so close to self destruction, i genuinely believe there is nothing left of me. i cared for nothing, felt nothing. living only because my brain still work, my heart still beats, my lungs still fills with air. if death comes my way, i will gladly greet it - a release of this nihilistic life. but the opportunity never present itself.

like most people with bipolar disorder. this was not the first time i've experience these feelings. people living with bipolar disorders often have cycles, formed around life changing events - manic and depressive episode triggers. but my mind was too messed up to think that there probably is something wrong with me - that i needed help. it convinced me that i'm a failure and that is all i am.

thus the spiral continues.

but i'm still here.
i'm still here,
because of hope.

as is often the case, it comes in the form of a person - a person that's very dear to me but also one i've hurt in the past. maybe it was love (at least in my part), but i think it was greater than that.

it was on one of the few relapses from the illness. i was sober enough to pass as a normal person. the very short time i've spent with her convinced me there is something good in life

something worth living for.

being with her was,
like,
absolution.
total surrender.
and the noises in my head went away.

all the anger, rage, fear, hatred in my heart ebbed away into nothingness when she is with me, or when i think of her. i wanted to be the man she saw when she looked at me. something more beside this twisted flesh and thoughts, something beyond the illness.

though there would be no love between us (at least i believe so), she had already given me more than i can possibly for myself.

life.

thank you, hope.

this is my own personal description of bipolar disorder. how it takes your life and yourself away from you, and your loved ones. it twists you into believing you are indeed what the illness makes you. how cruel the illness is and how the clinical term don't do the illness justice. i wrote this to know what the illness have done to me, as a reminder of the man i was.

if knowing yourself was half the battle, then the other half is knowing the enemy - the illness. however, i'm still trying to cope with the other aspects of the illness.

there is no cure for bipolar disorder.

there is a life-long course of treatment, based on medicine and psychotherapy to help people like myself manage the illness. so, there is no reason why i can't have a full, productive life. however, suffering from the illness for such a long time have made me an 'addict' to both mania and depression.

it's a hard habit to break

in fact i had a period of manic and depressive episode a month ago, and still recovering from the mess it left me. hopefully, in time i will gain the strength to recognize episode and isolate triggers, even control myself until the mania or depression have run its course.

bipolar disorder is also hereditary - partly genetics, partly environment (upbringing) and other factors. so my children, if i choose to have them, will likely have a predisposition to develop the same disorder, and that is a heavy weight to bear.

but at least i know what i'm up against. and i now know there's something to me beside the illness.

and that is good.
that is good.

i had a very lucid dream several nights ago
Main Entry: lu·cid
Pronunciation: 'lü-s&d
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin lucidus, from lucEre
1 a : suffused with light : LUMINOUS b :TRANSLUCENT
2 : having full use of one's faculties : SANE
3 : clear to the understanding : INTELLIGIBLE
synonym see CLEAR
lu·cid·ly adverb
lu·cid·ness noun

again it was of her. but then again it's always about her, isn't?

it's peaceful here, i looked around and found myself standing on a patch of grassland, green meadows on top of a hill. the grass high but not tall, like something you'd find on english garden parties. you can smell it all around you, the scent annoyingly fresh. it was daytime, and everything was lit in lukewarm white.

the sun was shining, but it was not the usual blinding, torturous heat. above, a white canopy covers the sky and rows of white chairs, much like you do in a church or a wedding fills the space below the canopy. a wedding? i see my parents and hers.

i'm standing before the altar. my wedding? but where's the bride? i looked around, there's noone else here.

then i saw her.

she's with someone else. a man? a friend or "afriend"? looking closer, i notice she's was not wearing your usual a wedding gown, all she had on was a beige summer slacks with a loose white shirt for a top, a white summer hat.

after that everything became a little blurry.

did i fainted? when i came to, she was kneeling down in front ofme. She's saying something, but i can't make out the words.

all i can think of is how frighteningly real this dream is.

i can sense her in front of me, like she was really there. she kept saying the same thing overand over again, but her voice seems muffledsomehow. i can hear her, but can't hear the words. it felt like all my senses were mixed upside down, inside out. her sweet, soft perfume fills my nostrils. on an impluse i reached for her left hand.

it was there! i can feel it!

i gently caress the skin on the back of her palm, kneeling forward, i hold her by the shoulders.

all the time she was saying something, but i could only think of one thing. "I can taste you,i can sense you, i can touch you. It's so real."oh, let this be real.

my breath became shallow and fear set in. what happened? did i die? is this real? how did i endup here? why can't i remember anything before this? i struggled to wake up, trying to jar my mind back to reality.

yet, at the same time, i knew this is probably a dream. one that i wanted so bad, so much. just to be with her again, one more time. with her, her skin, her taste, her touch.

then everything started to fade into reality.

i was in my bed, in my room, alone.

i know i wanted to cry, right then and there.

i wanted,
no.
i needed to see her again.

damn it!!!GOD!!!

is that to much to ask? a repressed desire thatkeeps bubbling up once in a while, unexpected.

then i finally heard what she was saying.

"we're not here."
"we're not here."
"we're not here."

closing my eyes, i tried to force my tears out. but they wouldn't come. they couldn't come! and i wondered, why, oh why. why can't you even let me let her go

could this be another dream i've failed?

a dream of a life that could've been. with her.

the one...
the one i...
love?

even after self-alienation and cutting my heart into little pieces, slicing it smaller and smaller till it doesn't even hurt anymore, could i still be holding ... hope?

i've burned my bridges, my memories, till i can't remember anything beyond this existence. all to embrace a nihilist life, a pragamatist existensialist.
void of desire,
of want,
of emotions.

"it could never be"
"it could never be"
"it could never be"

i've chosen this path by my own voliton. of freewill. i would never ask anyone else to do the same. certainly not her.

especially not her

she deserve so much better. a full, happy life filled with joy. one i know i will never be ableto fully provide. one with praise and selflesscare.

and love.
and
...faith.

a part of me will never fully accept that, and she knows it. i would never lie to her, and certainly not about that, something she deeply believes in, though she may not realize it attimes.

yet my heart screams in silence,

"if you asked, i will."
"you will what?"
"i will believe"
"for you"

for her

is that the truth? or a lie? just another lie in my web of lies and deceit.
i don't know,
i don't know,
i don't know,
maybe both, maybe neither. so i stayed away. but kept her memories, what she meant and will always mean to me.

the embodiement of everything that's clean, of something pure and good in this world. of everything i'm not and never will be. something even in my damned existence i will protect. i'm drawn to it, even if i'm alergic, and touching it would surely kill me, kill off the hatred i have become.

something i love.

as every bit of my heart and mind turns black with darkness, she became the single light within. a place that only shines brighter within the darkness. a place that still remains terrifiyingly beautiful and dreadfullycompassionate.

Trent Reznor's strained, tortured voice came tomy ear.

"Please, take this
And run far away, far as you can see
I am tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
All these pieces and promises and left behinds
If only i could seeIn my nothing
You meant everything, everything to me"

In keeping her so deep, deeper than even mychildhood memories, she has become everything.

she was...
she is hope.

i understand that now.

though i have left her so long, so far...she has never left me.

and i finally cried

---

while this writing is based on real life experiences and events, it's actually meant as a paraphrased prose to Nine Inch Nails - Still (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00005Y225/sr=8-1/qid=1156503465/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-0702553-7799227?ie=UTF8). like many of Trent Reznor's works, Still is a concept album(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concept_album), though technically, it's just an EP bonus to a live performance disc. Other concept albums byTrent Reznor is the Downward Spiral and the Fragile, both of which, he describe in his words:

“I wanted this album (The Fragile) to sound like there was something inherently flawed in the situation, like someone struggling to put the pieces together. Downward Spiral was about peeling off layers and arriving at a naked, ugly end. This album starts at the end, then attempts to create order from chaos, but never reaches the goal. It’s probably a bleaker album because it arrives back where it starts—[with] the same emotion.” The album begins “Somewhat Damaged” and ends “Ripe (With Decay).”

Like many of his works, Still is beautifully vague. Reznor prefer to let his audience define the meaning of the music for themselves, rather than pushing his own to everyone else. So, this prose, in many ways, represent what Still is to me, interjected and mixed with real life and imagined happenings and emotion i've experienced with Still.

http://hirr.hartsem.edu/about/Tatuskoerrant_boundaries.doc

not many people can see (or in this case - hear), there's so much more inside.

Personality Disorder Test
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Jadi lain kali ada orang yang bilang lo psycho,you know what kind are you.
and

Dante's Inferno Test
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
Which level of hell will you be banished to?

Apparently i'm:Borderline, narcissistic schizophrenic and will be banished to the Seventh Level of Hell! Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell.The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides-stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best
the best,
the best
the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best
the best
the best
the best of you?
Oh...
--
Maybe Dave's Grohl best work to date. Works best with the video, Mark Pellington did a great job.

i came across a message today, it was sent from afriend, one that i hold in high regard. thecontents of the message seems innocent at first,quite probably just like the intentions when themessage was written. Nevertheless, it troublesme. Greatly. Talking and responding to such a serious matter with an offhanded (and probably with out much thinking) remark was not what i expected from that particular person. Maybe i'm just too sensitive at the moment, but i could not help thinking further about this.

Have we all been disconnected from the ideals weonce proud to stand for? Of Camelot? No matter how much i disbelieve such an utopia could exist,i still hope for its existence. Certainly not in my lifetime, nor the generation after. Are we so disconnected that we assume everyone came from the same background, bias, perspective as us? Or have we become so resentful, even hatefull of our existence within this world that we could not see beyond our own terrible existence? I quite expected this from myself, but from others, whom should i say, more fortunate than me, and quite possibly, more humane, honestly no. Is this what'humanity' means now?

We speak of diversity, of understanding and caring, yet we never could uphold this ideals in reality. Not doing anything is just as wrong asdoing the deed itself, for through impunity/passiveness/inaction we voiced our silent agreement to the action. Or have we simply lost the common decency to feel for another, the empathy to feel joy and sorrow of another human being?

Thus talking without so much of an ounce of respect of something that is very serious, indeed even the original poster have responded quite seriously, is, in my opinion, very unbecoming/thoughtless/non-empathic.

I remember a quote from "Nuremberg". In one scene, after interviewing the German generals captured at the end of world war 2, a jewish US Army chaplain concluded that the one trait that connects all the high ranking officials and the nature of Nazi Germany was, in his conclusion, their obvious lack of empathy for the Jewish prisoners. These prisoners are simply regarded as'insignificant'. He also concluded, If one were to define evil, then it is the lack of empathy.

This fact is what disturbes me greatly. Have the person i hold dear for their capacity of empathy lost one of their most essential of human qualities? I dare not say, but my mind riddles with this question over and over. If there is a god, i hope this is just a lapse of judgment. If one that is highly regarded and priveleged,just like the generals was in wartime Germany, could think/do such a thing in today, what does that tell us? That the hopes and lessons of the past have been easily forgotten, and millions have died in vain? I firmly believe no matter how much hatred and anger you felt towards a person, that doesn't condone disrespect or injustice to that person, ever.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle usdo we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die?And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?-William Shakespeare

If this true, and we do not try to stop this, at least in our personal space/reality, than i fear that the we are doomed. That we all deserve the ugliness of the world, the anger and hatred we lock away at night but lingers still within. We deserve evil, because we have brought it upon ourselves, in greater number and scale than what have been previously recorded in the history of mankind.

i fear this ranting of a madman will only fell on deaf ears.

In a lighter note (taken from a my dating personaly profile quiz):

Your dating personality profile:

You matched the following traits:

Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.

Your date match profile:

You match with women who have following traits:

Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.
Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.

Guess this proves you can never trust them.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

• Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
• Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
• Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
• Projection of blame onto others
• Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
• Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
• Relentlessly suspicious

People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Unlike avoidants, schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

• Weak interpersonal skills
• Difficulty expressing anger, even when provoked
• "Loner" mentality; avoidance of social situations
• Appear to others as remote, aloof, and unengaged
• Low sexual desire
• Unresponsive to praise or criticism

So, basically if anybody's going to me call me psychotic, they better get it right: i'm a paranoid, schizoid psychotic.

December 17th, 2004

reborn.

to be reborn you have to die. really die. bit by bit, killing the parts of your old self. transforming yourself into another. then will you be able to see the truth. pretty soon you'll remember nothing of the past, of who you were, where you came from.

in the place where you're just a dream. or nightmare.
not real, not true. not lost. nothing. just a whisper of a promise.

"i am the voice inside your head and i control you
i am the lover in your bed and i control you
i am the sex that you provide and i control you
i am the hate you try to hide and i control you"

control, yours and mine, theirs - over anything is nonexistant. an illusion. realize this and you're one step to truth. to an exit of this lie you surround yourself. all this time, we gave up one lie for another, that's all we've done.

no more.
look around.
what do you see?
what do they mean to you?
do you even care?

you'll find that you'll only notice them. anything else would require you to think, and that, is something you've never done. not in this way. because you actually never done it before. thinking is not knowing, for knowing is linked with the senses.

thinking is a neverending stream of things, thoughts. of pain, of joy, of love, of hate, of ending, beginning. of nothing. and everything. all captured in a single moment. a blink of an eye and then lost forever.

fuck it. you couldn't stand it, could you? you couldn't hack it, could you? you couldn't think, could you?

"i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care"

precendence. there is no such thing, causality? nada. while 1 + 1 makes 2, it doesn't necesarily mean 2 is 1 + 1. It could be an infinite number of alternative functions or just a statement. example: 2;

why do you think it's any different for the rest of your/their/the world?
of your existence, the human race, of god?

"your god is dead and no one cares
if there is a hell I will see you there"

fact is indifferent to what you believe, and sadly, that relationship is reciprocal. You wouldn't believe fact, because you only believe your own perception of the fact.

same thing with truth.

we are born in to it. we suck it because we need it. we bathed, drink, eat, shit, die in it. filth. distortion and lies, and illusions we put on ourselves. like swine in a pig farm.

"now doesn't that make you feel better?
the pigs have won tonight
they can all sleep soundly
and everything is all right"

it is better to be a pig. no need to question. no need to wonder. no insanity. no need to dream, to want, to need, to bleed, to feed. in hunger we crave, in lust we feast.

we were born, we eat, we fuck. we die. we never think of why, or even how. we just do it.

"you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything"

questions need not answers. it is we who need them. we need them so much that we forgot why we ask them in the first place. amazement and wonder dominates over reason and thought. more illusions. so we forget. and forget even more. and trade our thirst for lust, greed, fear, envy, sloth, wrath, vanity.

"how'd you get so big?
how'd you get so strong?
how'd you get so hard?
how'd you so long?"

we evolve. in the same time dissolved. changing into that which we hate, loathed, and only speak in whispers on dark corners. a sub entity, not even real, not even sentient.

"all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all i hear, there's no escape from this
my new consciousness"

we purposefully chose not to feel, not to question, not to wonder. not to want, not to need. but inside the hunger persist. gnawing at your soul. adding fuel to the fire of lies.

"don't you tell how i feel
you don't know just how i feel"

because you don't know. you don't know anymore what to feel. what anything suppose to feel. you only do what is expected. do you even expect anything? it will not be long now. you scratch, you rip, you tore, you mash. skin, flesh, meat, bone. you pound your existence, trying to feel anything.

"maybe i'll put a hole in your head
you know, just for the fuck of it"

are we there? dreams. of white seas and purple fire, of hazel mist and tainted touch? an acid kiss and lingering sins. of lustful stench and putrid flesh. hahaha. hihihi. crazy. cook. shit. fuck. ahahaha. eieieie.....huh...huh....huh

rip.

scratch.

tore.

bite.

feed.

lick.

dont. fucking. care. anymore.

"lose me, hate me, smash me, erase me.
kill ME. KILL me. kiLL mE. KIll Me. kILl mE. KiLl ME. KILL me"

e. d, f, r, e, p. s.
all of them.
all of you.
all of me.
all the world
all the king's men
and horses
and pig
and god

b.et.r.ay.a.l

"SHE spread herself wide open to let the insects in
SHE leaves a trail of honey to show me where SHE's been
SHE has the blood of REPTILE just underneath HER skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within"

beautiful........li.a.r
precious.........w.hor.e

"he put a gun into his face
bang!
(so much blood from such a tiny little hole)"

death.
cold.
blue.
dark.
end.

"what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt"

---

Please, Take this
And run far away, Far away from me
I am tainted
The two of us Were never meant to be
All these pieces and promises and left behinds
If only i could see
In my nothing
You meant everything, everything to me

Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails, Halo 17 - Still, And All That Could've Been

The results from
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Very Low
Level 2 | Very High
Level 3 | High
Level 4 | Very High
Level 5 | Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very High
Level 7 | Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge | Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus | Moderate

Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

i came across a message today, it was sent from a friend, one that i hold in high regard. the contents of the message seems innocent at first, quite probably just like the intentions when the message was written. Nevertheless, it troubles me. Greatly. Talking and responding to such a serious matter with an offhanded (and probably with out much thinking) remark was not what i expected from that particular person, not from this person. Maybe i'm just too sensitive at the moment, but i could not help thinking further about this.

Have we all been disconnected from the ideals we once proud to stand for? Of Camelot? No matter how much i disbelieve such an utopia could exist, i still hope for its existence. Certainly not in my lifetime, nor the generation after. Are we so disconnected that we assume everyone came from the same background, bias, perspective as us? Or have we become so resentful, even hatefull of our existence within this world that we could not see beyond our own terrible existence? I quite expected this from myself, but from others, whom should i say, more fortunate than me, and quite possibly, more humane, honestly no. . Is this what 'humanity' means now?

We speak of diversity, of understanding and caring, yet we never could uphold this ideals in reality. Not doing anything is just as wrong as doing the deed itself, for through impunity/passiveness/inaction we voiced our silent agreement to the action. Or have we simply lost the common decency to feel for another, the empathy to feel joy and sorrow of another human being?

I remember a quote from "Nuremberg". In one scene, after interviewing the German generals captured at the end of world war 2, a jewish US Army officer concluded that the one trait that connects all the high ranking officials and the nature of Nazi Germany was, in his conclusion their obvious lack of empathy for the Jewish prisoners. These prisoners are simply regarded as 'insignificant'. He also concluded, If one were to define evil, then it is the lack of empathy.

This fact is what disturbes me greatly. Have the person i hold dear for their capacity of empathy lost their most essential of human qualities? I dare not say, but my mind riddles with this question over and over. If there is a god, i hope this is just a lapse of judgment. If one that is highly regarded and priveleged,just like the generals was in wartime Germany, could think such a think in today, what does that tell us? That the hopes and lessons of the past have been easily forgotten, and millions have died in vain? I firmly believes no matter how much hatred and anger you felt towards a person, that doesn't condone disrespect or injustice to that person, ever.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
-William Shakespeare

If this true, and we do not try to stop this, at least in our personal space/reality, than i fear that the we are doomed. That we all deserve the ugliness of the world, the anger and hatred we lock away at night but lingers still within. We deserve evil, because we have brought it upon ourselves, in greater number and scale than what have been previously recorded in the history of mankind.

i fear this ranting of a madman will only fell on deaf ears.

Once i still hope, but now 'tis lost forever.
For my dreams have become nightmares
And the nightmare became real
Thus my existence ended
For i am the Heart of Darkness.
I know no fear,
But rather instill it in my enemies.
I am the destroyer of worlds.
I am the fire of hate, anger, rage.
All the Universe bows before me.
I pledge myself to the Darkness.
For I have found true life,
In the death of the light

a moment of silence

---

when the bomb hit, i was sitting in front of my computer. Typing away my article, but it was a definite sound, you can't miss it. Even people 15 km away could still hear it. My first guess was a tire explosion, but that couldn't be right. The second guess was a car burned up and it's gas tank exploded.

Guess i'm not to far off on that second try.

As people try to find out what just happen, mostly they're just curious, wondering what happen. Then the news start trickling in, from SMS and instant messaging. The first one states the Plaza 89 was hit, then the second one was Pasar Festival. The third one was the Australian Embassy.

I already knew what to expect, particularly since the sound could be heard from so far away. It was definitely a stronger blast than the Marriot's. The first air coverage was from ANTV, probably since they have (had?) an office at Plaza 89. You could hear panic and confusion in the backgroumd, alarms sound off etc.

I kept working on my article, but my attention was somewhere else. I saw the people in my office started to crowd the monitors of their PC, trying to get a glimpse of what had happened.

I feel very disturbed by this, even resented it.

Is that what we have become, curious spectators waiting by the line? The death of others became a mere spectacle for others? So inconsiderate, so disrespectful. And these are people i call friends?

My mind starts rationalizing their actions. Sure, they were curious, even i was curious. And people have their own way to deal with grief or loss. But as i sat still working on my PC, i stole several glances.

There was nothing but glee in their eyes. The kind of glee you expect from a child watching something in awe. There was no thought of the dead/slain, of dignity, of respect.

I loathe that look, that attitude.

Thinking that it will never happen to them. Watching, detached.

Because i knew what it was like, to be in that situation. Death, you can smell it. If fear was like a punch in your gut, death was like a vile taste you can't escape. It's like choking on your own vomit.

Bitter. 'Getir'.

As i finally moved to see what i most feared, the only words i could utter was "Unlucky bastards."

Then i started to think of some of my friends, who worked/lived near Kuningan. Wondering if they are okay. I have no way of contacting them, so i was quite relieved not seeing their names on the victim's list (later on).

I looked at my 'so called' friends now. Not one word of "Oh God", or signs of regret, of loss, of sorry. Some even joked, laughed. Again, my mind tried to reason, but my anger won in the end. How can they? But i kept it inside, adding it to my resolve. And said,

"don't joke about it. It's not funny, and it's disrespectful to the victims and their memories."

Then it hit me. I understand now.

I understand why some people choose to fight, even if it's a lost cause or when the odds are all against them. Even if it meant certain death for you. Your heart began to crystalize, your thoughts clear.

You fight because you believe in something. You believe that this terrible disaster should not happen to anyone again, never again. You vowed so those after you would never feel that hurt, pain, anguish. The feeling of loss and hopelessness.

I fight because i need it. Because i need to know that i have done what was humanly possible. And i believe that all life is precious,even the ones you don't know or care about.

If that makes me different and 'maladjusted' so be it.

hello again!!!

sounds like a song. Probably is. Tapi itu bukan maksud gue. Just wanted to let all of you know what's been going on in my life. Here goes.

Baru aja beli 3 CD, Lost Prophets - Start Something, Liz Phair - Liz Phair, sama Avril Lavigne's new album. I couldn't remember the title, you know yang ada my happy ending sama don't tell me itu. Yeah, i know, so i'm a sucker for 'radio-friendly-sounds-like-rock-but-it's-not' kind of song. pingin tahu aja lagu-lagu mana yang ada 'tangan'nya Ben Moody, you know the guy that split from Evanescence. From the looks or maybe sound of it, i think i could tell 2 songs yang dia kerjain.

You know, with the mp3s yuo still get your values worth buying CDs. Quality, of course, dan sekarang the artist and their record label mulai ngasi begitu banyak. With Liz Phair, you get a downloadable EP. Nice, supaya koleksi file Phair gue lengkap. Liz juga ok sama MP3 lagu-lagu dia yang diputer live, so needless to say, i got a whole bunch of those. Even EP dan demo yang dia rekam.

Lost prophets is a little different. The band from Wales (of all places) masukin video clip mereka. Standar sih, packing a clip into a CD. Tapi gue senengnya karena dua CDnya ini PC friendly. So selain nambahin content, mereka juga tetap friendly pada fans karena Enhanced CD itu masih bisa di rip ke mp3.

And soal mp3, hearing all the songs and artist available out there akhirnya bisa buat lo lebih selektif. Instead of liking just one hit, lo bisa tahu the songs, past, present. Gue salah satu orang yang percaya there's a story behind every song. So, there is also a story behind every voice - or guitar riffs. Atau 'raungan gergaji' hehehe.

Like everything in my life, i enjoyed the diversity of sound and noise dalam musik yang gue dengerin. Some may be mellow and soft, and others painful and disturbing. You know, the kind you want to mash to pulp somebody's face with. To deny or go against that nature is not being true to yourself. It's a big part of me and my life. So i won't apologize for 'that noise'.

Dan mp3s membuat lo bisa mendengar berbagai band di seluruh dunia, band-band you otherwise you would never hear, karena tv dan radio umumnya punya kriteria mainstream or pop. Berapa stasiun TV yang lo tahu dari dulu sampai sekarang cater to a very special kind of music? Musik-musik ala big band like Harry Connick Jr, disini pun baru populer setelah perusahaan rekaman disini ngelihat bahwa banyak orang mulai beli CD-nya. Count the playback of songs from Harry Connick or Diana Krall dan bandingan sama (oh my god) Britney or Blue or something like that.

Seperti yang pernan diomongin Bono: Turn off your TV (and radio). They both make you stupid (dan terkotak-kotak).

Oh ya, got to be real acquinted again with my xbox. Cool!! Baru beli 2 game lagi, Ninja Gaiden and Full Spectrum Warrior. Both with MA17 ratings. Got to say, both are one hell of a game. I spent 2 weeks and just about to finish the Gaiden. Ok, memang versi PAL (Europe/AUS) disensor, no decapitation (that's penggal kepala for the unknowledgable) and less blood. But it's fun, addictive and really tough. THe whole game i mean, bukan soal decapitation itu. What do you expect from a game with ninja, swords and demons from hell? Reminds of a very old game i use to play with, Doom!

Speaking of Doom, Doom 3 is just out and i've finished that 'trip of sheer terror' in 3 days. Very nice, dan gue lebih suka gambaran neraka di Doom 3 daripada Ninja Gaiden. It literally can make you puke your guts out. Dan mungkin kelihatannya kurang lebih sama, your guts and hell. I love that wicked noise track, apalagi that eerie whisper. How many times you play a game and feeling like you don't care if you die or not, you just want to take one of those bastards with you? Not to mention the graphics.

If you play FPS on the PC, check the game. From the developer that created the genre of FPS.