December 17th, 2004

reborn.

to be reborn you have to die. really die. bit by bit, killing the parts of your old self. transforming yourself into another. then will you be able to see the truth. pretty soon you'll remember nothing of the past, of who you were, where you came from.

in the place where you're just a dream. or nightmare.
not real, not true. not lost. nothing. just a whisper of a promise.

"i am the voice inside your head and i control you
i am the lover in your bed and i control you
i am the sex that you provide and i control you
i am the hate you try to hide and i control you"

control, yours and mine, theirs - over anything is nonexistant. an illusion. realize this and you're one step to truth. to an exit of this lie you surround yourself. all this time, we gave up one lie for another, that's all we've done.

no more.
look around.
what do you see?
what do they mean to you?
do you even care?

you'll find that you'll only notice them. anything else would require you to think, and that, is something you've never done. not in this way. because you actually never done it before. thinking is not knowing, for knowing is linked with the senses.

thinking is a neverending stream of things, thoughts. of pain, of joy, of love, of hate, of ending, beginning. of nothing. and everything. all captured in a single moment. a blink of an eye and then lost forever.

fuck it. you couldn't stand it, could you? you couldn't hack it, could you? you couldn't think, could you?

"i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care"

precendence. there is no such thing, causality? nada. while 1 + 1 makes 2, it doesn't necesarily mean 2 is 1 + 1. It could be an infinite number of alternative functions or just a statement. example: 2;

why do you think it's any different for the rest of your/their/the world?
of your existence, the human race, of god?

"your god is dead and no one cares
if there is a hell I will see you there"

fact is indifferent to what you believe, and sadly, that relationship is reciprocal. You wouldn't believe fact, because you only believe your own perception of the fact.

same thing with truth.

we are born in to it. we suck it because we need it. we bathed, drink, eat, shit, die in it. filth. distortion and lies, and illusions we put on ourselves. like swine in a pig farm.

"now doesn't that make you feel better?
the pigs have won tonight
they can all sleep soundly
and everything is all right"

it is better to be a pig. no need to question. no need to wonder. no insanity. no need to dream, to want, to need, to bleed, to feed. in hunger we crave, in lust we feast.

we were born, we eat, we fuck. we die. we never think of why, or even how. we just do it.

"you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything"

questions need not answers. it is we who need them. we need them so much that we forgot why we ask them in the first place. amazement and wonder dominates over reason and thought. more illusions. so we forget. and forget even more. and trade our thirst for lust, greed, fear, envy, sloth, wrath, vanity.

"how'd you get so big?
how'd you get so strong?
how'd you get so hard?
how'd you so long?"

we evolve. in the same time dissolved. changing into that which we hate, loathed, and only speak in whispers on dark corners. a sub entity, not even real, not even sentient.

"all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all i hear, there's no escape from this
my new consciousness"

we purposefully chose not to feel, not to question, not to wonder. not to want, not to need. but inside the hunger persist. gnawing at your soul. adding fuel to the fire of lies.

"don't you tell how i feel
you don't know just how i feel"

because you don't know. you don't know anymore what to feel. what anything suppose to feel. you only do what is expected. do you even expect anything? it will not be long now. you scratch, you rip, you tore, you mash. skin, flesh, meat, bone. you pound your existence, trying to feel anything.

"maybe i'll put a hole in your head
you know, just for the fuck of it"

are we there? dreams. of white seas and purple fire, of hazel mist and tainted touch? an acid kiss and lingering sins. of lustful stench and putrid flesh. hahaha. hihihi. crazy. cook. shit. fuck. ahahaha. eieieie.....huh...huh....huh

rip.

scratch.

tore.

bite.

feed.

lick.

dont. fucking. care. anymore.

"lose me, hate me, smash me, erase me.
kill ME. KILL me. kiLL mE. KIll Me. kILl mE. KiLl ME. KILL me"

e. d, f, r, e, p. s.
all of them.
all of you.
all of me.
all the world
all the king's men
and horses
and pig
and god

b.et.r.ay.a.l

"SHE spread herself wide open to let the insects in
SHE leaves a trail of honey to show me where SHE's been
SHE has the blood of REPTILE just underneath HER skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within"

beautiful........li.a.r
precious.........w.hor.e

"he put a gun into his face
bang!
(so much blood from such a tiny little hole)"

death.
cold.
blue.
dark.
end.

"what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt"

---

Please, Take this
And run far away, Far away from me
I am tainted
The two of us Were never meant to be
All these pieces and promises and left behinds
If only i could see
In my nothing
You meant everything, everything to me

Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails, Halo 17 - Still, And All That Could've Been