[Listening to: Iris - Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up The Girl (04:49)]

17/8/03 23:24

i promised myself i'll wrote this. So here goes

i am a cowboy

ever played cowboys and indians? of course, like any ordinary kid, i choose cowboys. Siapa sih yang nggak? Terutama karena kita lebih banyak 'dikenalkan' pada konsep bahwa indian itu 'orang jahat'. But for me it runs deeper than that..

The amazing voice of Lisa Gerard terdengar di belakang. Bersama original score Hans Zimmer untuk Gladiator.

What is a cowboy? Sebagian flm mengambarkan sosok pria dengan senjata revolver 6 peluru di pinggangnya. A gunslinger. Karakter umumnya berbeda-beda from movie to movie, but the gun is always there. Hanya di iklan Marlboro you'll find gambaran lebih 'dekat'. Seorang peternak sapi/kuda or pembantunya - 'ranch hand'.

One of the greatest western movle of alltime adalah 'The Magnificent Seven'. Yang sebenarnya rada lucu, terutama karena film ini adalah adaptasi salah satu karya besar Akira Kurosawa - 'The Seven Samurai'. 'The Seven Samurai', in case you haven't seen it, bercerita mengenai 7 samurai ronin - tidak bertuan - yang membantu penduduk sebuah desa melawan gerombolan bandit perampok. Both movies punya cerita yang more or less sama, i even have both of them.

Salah satu hal yang membuat 'The Magnificent Seven' sebuah film western klasik terbaik, if not the greatest adalah untuk pertama kalinya, karakter-karakter para gunslinger, disajikan tidak hitam putih. If you watch western movies, gou'll know bahwa hal ini nggak pernah dilakukan sebelumnya. Bahkan bisa dikatakan, 'hal' ini juga mempengaruhi banyak film hingga hari ini.

Who is a gunslinger? Atau mungkin lebih tepatnya, how was a gunslinger digambarkan di film itu? Gue leblh seneng bilang mereka ferkesan lebih 'human'. Mereka peduli, walau tidak selalu terlihat. They're also can be considered 'good' walau bukan terlihat 'bak malaikat. But most of all, mereka tahu apa yang 'benar' dan 'baik'. The other thing about them adalah mereka semua menginginkan hal-hal yg sederhana, hal-hal yg umumnya we all take for granted.

A job. A home. A family.

Simple, small things.

Tapi (there's always a but, isn't there'?), those simple thlngs is something they'll never have. Bukan karena mereka nggak mau atau nggak berusaha. They're just not meant to be. People call it fear of commitment, but it really is deeper than that.

Their way of life umumnya bukan hidup 'layak'. Day to day, you life with the possibility of death, not being able to eat a meal dan tidak pernah menetap dl satu tempat. Tentu sekarang tidak seekstrim itu, tapi to some extent sama. No steady income or a place to call home makes it really hard to raise a family. And there's always something out there that keeps calling you. It could be that big break you need to have some money so you could settle down, or it is the feeling you get when you see the sun rises/sets and the whole world seems to be at peace - just a brief moment. And in that moment, everything becomes crystal clear - and you feel at peace - and maybe, just maybe, you're finally home.

Kemudian realily sets in.. How can you rest when there's so much you have to do? So many things are still wrong in this world, things you can't just let them be. Why? Because it isn't right. Why me? Because i'm good at it and because someone has to do it. But mostly, because this is who i am.

Cowboys don't lead a stable life. Mereka senang hidup 'di ujung' dan tidak tahu besok hendak pergi kemana. Mereka hidup seakan saat ini adalah saat terakhir, dan seringkali, it's not that farther than the truth. Kembali ke 'The Magnificent Seven', ironis bahwa 2 orang gunslinger yang diceritakan selamat dari pertempuran terakhir, mereka adalah aktor-aktor pertama yang meninggal in real life. Yul Brynner dan Steve McQueen adalah dua American icon yang hidupnya pun sangat mirip dengan karakter yang mereka portray di film itu.

Mungkin seperti yang i've heard somewhere, 'some of us where meant to be at sea'. Some turn around because the sea is too harsh, some turn around to go home,, some went too far and never made it back.

So where am i? I haven't the slightest clue. Saat ini rasanya gue hanya berjalan 'where the road takes me'. Somehow, someway, i know that i will find the answers i'm looking for. Atau malah sudah, dan semua memang sudah menunggu, somewhere. I found some of them, tapi nggak semua. Dan mungkin saja, memang tidak semua bisa ditemukan.

Tapi bukannya berarti tidak mencari, atau berhenti berjalan, kan? But sometimes, i wonder. On the way, seperti orang biasa, you got to meet interesting things. Some you may like or love, some you hate. But you can't tear your eyes from them. Mereka selalu menarik untuk dilihat. Bahkan, if you look hard/long enough, you start to think.

And we know thinking is dangerous. Kenapa? It makes you look into yourself and where you are now. Particularly when you're driving on a road.

Seperti sekarang ini.

There are times, that the things you see on the side makes you stop or make a turn. Soon, you'll make another turn, and another turn. And before you know it, there's no turning back. And it is in those moments, you wonder, what would happen if i hadn't make that last turn, or the turn before.Would your life became different, and would that greatness you long for your whole life eludes you?

But not for me. For me the road was clearfully painful. I am different, paling tidak gue tahu itu. Walau itu tidak membuat gue berhenti berpikir, bagaimana bila hidup bisa lebih sederhana, seperti orang lain? You know the type, orang yang kerja 9-to-5, dengan rumah kecil dan keluarga yang menunggu. Picture perfect. But that's not me, mungkin baru sekarang gue akhirnya bener-bener bisa terima itu.

Dan bagi gue, berhenti sebentar di bahu jalan untuk melihat 'the life that could've been' sudah cukup. Sometimes bahkan it seems so close, you know, that illusion. So close that you can smell it, taste it and touch it with your trembling hands. But that invisible barrier is always there. Seperti saat kita melihat ke dalam rumah lewat jendela. Dan melihat semua yang ada di dalam, how it is filled with warmth, love and those things that will never be for you. But if you stepped back, you could just see your faint reflection in the windows, and as if, for a moment, just that brief moment saat pikiran lo lengah tertipu ilusi optik itu, you're finally inside.

That, that briefest moment in your life was enough. Itu sudah cukup hingga you could look down that road you've traveled, pick up your bags and go. Paling tidak hingga the next stop, where you find something else interesting. Why? I guess it just a leap of faith. Maybe when you traveled far enough, you'll finally will be inside as well. And another searching traveller will look in, and you gave him enough hope to go on.

Seperti Secret Garden-nya Bruce Springsteen.

Or maybe, you'll find nothing, and finally realized that what you've been looking for itu sebenarnya sederhana, dan was there all along. Or maybe back home, yang pada saat itu seems like a thousand miles away. But you know you have to go there, so once again, you pick up your bags and walk that final stretch to the place you call home.

And maybe, just maybe...you'll finally be able to look into those eyes, and tell the words you can't say before. Then those eyes will look at you and tell you what you need to know. You're home.

'It is a pleasant fiction, isn't it?'