[Listening to: Numb - Linkin Park - Meteora (03:05)]

7/9/03 1:13

i cried till morning

no sobs.
Just tears i couldn't stop.

for no reason, or reasons. Apa mungkin semua memang sudah menjadi one whole big mess, jadi gue udah nggak tau lagi where or when it began. ending? Apalagi ending - masih jauh. I know it's there, just can't see it - yet.

You know, caring is a risky business. Basically, you put your heart on the limb each time you do it. Sometimes baik, sometimes jelek. Terus ada saat di mana you think it couldn't get worse, and proven wrong. Talk about realms of infinite, extreme posibilities.

Linkin Park's Numb is playing di layar komputer gue. Its your typical narrative clip. But, look closer.

Look closer.

The video starts with a single teen model, and so began our story. If you're a geek/wimp/nerd/klutz or - place your least favourite name call here - the story hits home. You're alone, no friends, your parents just don't understand.... The teacher's fustrated with a dead beat job and minimum wage. And you....well, you're different. Lo paling nggak sadar itu...

Being smart doesn't make you popular. Nor does being good. It just complicate things, dan lo kelihatan 'beda'. Malah lebih mirip 'freak'. Pretty soon you wonder if your friend really likes you or just need your 'extra' credits. So you became more alone

Alienated.
Estranged.

Sama dengan di beberapa bagian klip di mana semua kecuali that teen is moving so fast - just a blur. It's like you're stepping out of life and finally realized what it all meant. Tapi you can't go back. You're alone. All of this - it's nothing. It wouldn't matter anyway, in the end. Or beginning.

The universe is moving along....not missing you, not caring. It's like you're never there to begin with.

You can hear whispers, name calling and laughter going silent every time you pass. Soon you really began to think something is really wrong with you. Why gue nggak bisa kayak orang lain? It comes and goes, the thought. Tapi pikiran itu tetep ada di kepala lo, way back...gnawing at your mind everytime you're alone. Lo coba 'menipu' dengan kesibukan atau ngikutin kemauan 'you're new friends'. Tapi you know, mereka, betapa pun sabar/empatik, they'll never fully understand. That's okay, somethings you keep to yourself.

You're a timebomb waiting for that trigger, that release.

Okay - lo bisa bilang, everybody goes thru that shitty mess yang kita bilang masa remaja. But have you really grew up? Are you that different now?

ask yourself this questions:
Why do you get up in the morning?
Why do you go to work?
Do you think you're getting paid fairly?
Do you remember your dreams? Hopes? ideals?
Have you achieve them?
How far do you have to go. for them?
How far will you go?
Are you prepared for the consequenses?
When the day is over, have you 'stuck to your guns' or 'chickened/sold out'?
Have you uphold those ideals, those values you 'stood for'?
Are you sure?
Or do you simply hand it to God or 'i've done all i can' excuse?
Have you analyze each information/event and act accordingly - law of man and God - and of logic and science, particularly your own?

In short, are you aware?

And on top of that - what are your feelings? Emotion? Are you - aware - of others' feelings and emotion too?

Welcome to a taste of my life at 12 years old.

At 15, i could quote Kant, Plato, Descartes while others are singing Bon Jovi or Guns 'n Roses.

To what end?

I don't know. I don't care anymore.

For that, i blame my parents. Something i don't think i can ever forgive.

Extreme. Infinite.
Eternally yours thru your known existence.

But Nietszche saved me - with the realization of will, of will to power - of will to exist. So i aspired to become his 'uber mensch'.

I wanted to exist, to live.
To be human.
Fully human.

With everything that came with it.

And you know what? To some extent, i did and i have. Whatever it takes. But my 'baggage' of morals/religion is holding me back. It is at this point it's so easy to 'cross the line'. I haven't but i'll probably will.

So i'm teetering on the edge of heaven and hell , trapped by my own brand of bitter awareness

A pause.

Mr Hahn and his friends sudah sampai bridge.

'And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you'

Like all others, i will fail. I'll fail to grasp that moment, that truth. Karena memang it never stays.

Why does my heart feel so much hatred, anger, sadness? Do i hate myself so much for failing?
For the mistakes?
For being human?

I know i will bear this existence.
I've come this far, i have to see this through.
It's quite the irony, i've become the man i wanted to be. That nearly beaten, broken, bruised, battered, bitter man - the reluctant hero, hanging by a thread to a humanity he longs for.
And home,

But i forgot to wish for salvation. That's okay.....it's higly over rated anyway.

I'm alone on this existence. Just like anyone else in theirs. It is nice that you get to touch others' and if you're really lucky. You linger together for awhile.

Like all stories, mine will have an ending.Don't know if it's good or bad. But it's mine. Like my life.