[Listening to: My Last Breath - Evanescence - Fallen (04:07)]

Found myself nowhere.

So seperti biasa, it's that time to contemplate again. Mmm, lagi cukup sering ngelakuin yang satu itu. Mengapa ya? Mungkin karena gue sudah sampai saat dimana gue harus buat that 'oh-so-important' turn yang memutuskan gue berada di mana 10-20 years from now.

off topic, i'll probably be dead, but then, everybody dies, but not everyone really lived.

Haahaha, shameful plug i know. Quoted that from Braveheart.

But anyway, apakah gue akan terus maju, tetap jadi pemberontak with a vengeance against the world, atau gue menjadi orang 'bisu' (pacifist - ed) yang finally settled down? I hope i know the answer when time comes. Quite possibly i'll choose the first one.

Now, sebelum all of you marah-marah and criticize me for my actions/choices, let 'yours truly' explain first. Or not, whatever. Itu yang gue suka dari nulis my thoughts bukan? No one to talk back at you.

What's the point anyway? Dari semua pertanyaan yang gue cari jawabannya, i at least know the answer to that one. There is none, dan, another shameful quote from Gandalf the Grey, Lord of the Rings: 'It is what we do with the time given to us'.

So what have i spend my time with? Di 'setitik' waktu yang diberikan, have you made a 'dent' in the universe? Nope, gue bukan super genius model Einstein or Newton, atau my idols seperti Kant dan Nietsczhe. Atau bahkan humanitarian seperti Gandhi, the Mahatma one, or even Thomas Jefferson. But then again gue bukan Charlie Manson or others yang terkenal for their crimes 'against humanity'. I am, for the most part, human. Not special, but thankfully not ordinary. Tapi, gue just different from the rest of the population.

Minority?

Not exactly, kriteria gue bukan something yang 'easily characterized, classified and put into little boxes.' There are others, gue tahu, but then there are so few of us.

Atau malah gue memang termasuk majority, god forbid. Gue nggak ingin berpikir that my 'condition' is something that is shared by the majority of humans. That would be a very grim, bitter world indeed. But then again, you never know, you never know what's behind those faces we put in public.

Still waters run deep, or so that say.

There is hope.

From the 400 billion people alive right now, give and take several million that dies and born everyday, or become terminally ill within the first years of their life. Jadinya sisa berapa, if even one per million has the chance to be happy, we'd still end up with what? 200-300 thousand? And there is always hope.

It lies in every child born into this world, this reality we call life.

I need to believe that, to believe that hope exist. Why? Why not kalo kata Dewa kan? Because bila ada persistent trend in all of humanity's existence, past, present and future, itu adalah the belief of something greater than themselves, far beyond what the could see, hear, taste, feel.

They hope. They dream. They love.

As for i, alas, my dearest compatriates, i've put myself on the path where no light shine, a dark place where dreams are broken and hope disappear. For i have forsaken myself to depths i could not fathom.

And you may ask why? Oh why.

Why have you turn from the light?

To find the truth. Whether there was (ever any) good in me. Or was the qualities all of you think of me are just another face among thousands i've never had. Faces i put just in your good graces? Or is darkness and evil my only nature. I must know. I'm compelled to know. Just like i need to believe.

So, my gravity, my earth and my sky. Hope for me. If you believe in God, pray for me.For i believe in you all. I believe that the goodness that eludes me reside in you.

Dan itu yang gue pilih, to keep semua that is everything and good.
Everything that's you,
safe somewhere inside.

Or maybe just inside that one last tears.
Or that one, last breath.

And the darkness slowly grew.
Claiming what was theirs all along.