[Listening to: La La La (Means I Love You) - Swing Out Sister - Four Weddings And A Funeral soundtrack (04:43)]

15 Dec 03 - 02:58

Beberapa hari yang lalu, i had a talk with my mother. You know, the usual stuff - life, work, love. It seems nyokap gue lagi banyak pikiran. 1st, kayaknya one of my cousins itu lagi punya affair. Terus my brother juga lagi berat banget beban hidupnya. In the talk that ensued, i'd told her bahwa these are problems that she could never solved and she didn't have to. Orang-orang yang ngalamin itu yang harus ngehandle sendiri - because they have too. Dia dan gue could only help by being there when needed than tidak ngebebanin lebih. Bukannya itu tugas yang diemban tiap orang dalam hidup?

Ini juga salah satu alasan why gue belum/tidak commit dengan anyone. I'm not settling down yet. Gaji yang gue terima sekarang is barely enough for me, let alone a family. Gue memang belum siap aja. While i don't doubt i have the qualities and capabilities to be a good husband/father, gue belum siap untuk itu semua. To tell you the truth, gue nggak pernah mbayangin gue married with someone. in fact dulu pun gue pernah bikin janji never to marry. Why? mungkin gue nggak yakin aja bisa ngebuat someone you really care about that happy, fully complete and with no regrets/reservations. Apalagi kalo gue lihat dimana gue sekarang. OK, while money isn't everything, you still need it. Dan ini lebih dari hanya uang - what about time, attention, love? Selama gue belum yakin bahwa jawabannya 'ya' for the rest of my life, gue nggak akan kesana. I told her this and she told my father. Kayaknya dua-duanya cukup relieved.

Belakangan ini gue cukup banyak waktu luang untuk mikirin banyak hal. Several nights ago itu entah mengapa pas banget. Jam 11 malam nyetir di Casablanca sambil denger radio. kebetulan lagunya punya spot khusus buat gue - I can't make you love me - Nggak sadar i slowly mouthed the words.

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't'

Gue juga sempet denger 'Queen of Rain'nya Roxette - dan saat itu emang pas raining. Funny the surprises life hand you.

So,Thanksgiving kali ini gue berterimakasih untuk those small, short fleeting moments saat kita sedang 'lemah'. Waktu dimana kita sempat mengenang dan menghela nafas. Untuk lagu-lagu seperti 'I can't make you love me', 'Queen of Rain' dan 'Stay (Faraway so close)' nya U2.

Gue saat ini duduk menulis di tengah 'Space Between' - salah satu lagu terindah yang gue pernah dengar. Dan untuk sejenak pikiran gue balik ke something i wrote earlier:happiness. What do i have? Dan suddenly i remember her. the way her lips stretch out and the glint/sparkle in her eyes as she smile my troubles away.

i have that moment. One moment of happiness dimana gue sadar bahwa i'm happy.

Seberapapun jauhnya dan berapa lamanya dia pergi - i have that moment. Dan hopefully i'll take it with me in the end. Yang jelas i'll take with me everywhere.