I had a dream last night

in some ways, a good one, although i'm, not sure it's a happy one. Maybe it's just the optimism i have for the last couple of days (hmmm, good but not happy, how's that for optimisim?!?!)

i've decided to ditch this awful reason of a job i'm currently have. It just doesn't interest me anymore. And i fell in love (again) with one of the things i learned as a kid = coding and programming. In C and C++ nonetheless. It's just amazing what you can do with this language and a good compiler/debugger. Functions, declarations, flow - it's all logical and concise, clear as a crystal on a winter sunshine. Tweaking, writing and figuring what to do next still gets me going after all these years.

And i could work at home, when i want to, the way i want to.

It's great really. And it's something i understand and i positively love.

Back to the dream.

I dream of going to Berlin. Don't know what for or what i'm doing there, but suddenly i got the urge to call someone i hadn't seen in a long time. Guess what, she answers my call. Told me that she'd be happy to see me. So i took the next flight out, which is just a short hop anyway - 2 or 3 hours from takeoff (again) and landing (again). All of it seems a blur (hey, it's a dream). I remember standing in front of her door and pretending to be the delivery guy - she was so glad to see me.

It had to be a she, doesn't it?

I couldn't remember or think of nothing else at that moment. No worries, no second thoughts. Juss that it felt good, and maybe you could say, complete. I just had one thought, the way she smiled when she greets me at the door. You know how it is, don't you? When you've been feeling dry and dreary, and one little thing, that seems so insignificant, can change the way you look at the world, like 180 degrees.So after 3 days of writing code and figuring programming applications flow, i woke up with something good still fresh in my mind. That constitues happiness for some people, although i couldn't tell if its the same thing for me. But i know it's good. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Not sure i remember when was the last time.

As i'm writing this, checking my mail and messages and pagers, i kept hearing Goo Goo Dolls' Iris in my head.

I don't know why. It just seem so right. Like i'm finally being true to myself.

Several days ago, i took the time to watch 'The Hours'. Lovely, but simple movie. Maybe all truths are like that, it's so simple, that we often overlook them. Deny them and put them on the back of our heads. The story of three women lying to theirselves, or maybe not lying, but not living they way the want to be. 'My life was stolen from me'. By others, by myself, not being true to what i am. What i want, what is real and true. The drudgery and the anguish became so unbearable, that you could kill yourself, go certifiably insane. Or you could choose the way that you always knew was the truth - the true you.

This is not the life i wanted. And i still have the choice and the power to do something about it.

I chose freedom, even if it meant being poor and hungry. For it is my hunger, and my loss. Not someone else's riches or choices.

Simple things, true things. Mine. But not possession, nor obssession. Choice. Freedom. Free will.

The dreams i have are not my choices, though the psychoanalyst would disprove that. We are the sum of our experiences, and i'd like to think that we are also the sum of our choices. The Celestine Prophecy believer would found a purpose, fate or destiny in what i think, dream or do. But i digress, only myself would know the relevance to my life and the choices i am/have/will make. But there is some relevance between choice and 'good' - happiness? Could i choose to be happy, to be good? Would i choose the love of a woman or personal freedom?

Dreams are windows to the mind, while eyes are windows to the soul.

Quite ironic, since, 'Iris' are a part of the eye.

Do i choose the mind or the soul - the heart?

You can't. You don't. For the are a part of you, a glimpse, a facet of you.

My subconcious mind is wiser i thnk, since it 'told' me that i would choose the choices that fit me, define me best. Of what i make for myself. This truth, this definition is what i carry into others, of friends and passthrough, of love. It is not important of whom i chose, since i've already made that choice. But whether or not they chose me. I would not be the one you 'settled for'. Or someone you reason for, i want to be the one you chose to be.

To be. Be. Regardless. Anything else regardless.

So, the answer to my question of 'Iris' - yes, i know now. I wil choose her. Regardless. Regardless of her choice. And that is good. It's true and it's me.