21.54 feb 14th, 2003

something worth fighting for

It's raining, this particular night in february. Dan Andrea Bocelli's voice bersama rintik hujan sayup-sayup terdengar.

MTV memutar feature Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, sementara RCTI setia membuai pemirsanya dengan Ada Apa Dengan Cinta? But these do not calm my restless heart? Hmm, kenapa lagi wo? Dan gue pun bisa ngelihat Detta sedikit menaikkan alisnya sembari membaca ini. Duh! Or did you have something else to do?

Dari post yang terakhir kali, you'd probably know bahwa gue not feeling particularly crazy about my job. Yah, tenang aja, saat ini gue nggak akan ngomong soal itu. No, i'd promised myself not to talk about work. Not saat semua bisa saja come back to haunt you.

Ah, the famous 'Time to Say Goodbye'.

Let me savor this song for a minute.

Amazing what one song can do. Kalau saatnya lagi tepat, or when you least expected it. And since it is Feb 14, the world famous Valentine's Day, banyak sekali lagu tentang cinta diputar di tv dan radio. Dan hari ini, tidak seperti hari-hari biasanya, exposure gue ke dua pengalih perhatian ini cukup gede. Seperti biasa, this is not by choice.

Valentine.

A word, like any other word seems to mean different things to different people. Ritual seperti 'Siapa yang lo ajak pergi malam Valentine?' Atau 'what are we going to do on Valentine's day? Sampai 'Could we do something different this Valentine?' Atau background Valentine's Day, dan orang-orang yang ingin berbagi kisah cinta mereka, atau relationship secrets to happy life together for ever, and happily ever after. You know the routine. And of course, the jomblo angle. Huh.

Minggu ini, gue menyempatkan diri melakukan beberapa hal yang gue udah tunda bertahun-tahun. AKhirnya sekarang koleksi album Dave Matthews Band gue lengkap. Dan gue juga menyempatkan diri membeli senar untuk gitar FG-150 Yamaha gue. Kaget juga gitar yang gue beli cuma 150 ribu waktu SMA itu sekarang harganya hampir 1 juta. And it still sounds the way it used to. Beberapa hari ini pun gue nyempetin waktu mencari-cari grip gitar untuk lagu-lagu yang gue punya. Evanescence, Static-X dan tentu, Dave Matthews Band. Dari Angel, Crash Into Me, Satellite dan Space Between.

Amazing what a prick of the finger on a six strings can do. Bagaimana lo bisa lari dan numpahin semuanya ke jari-jari lo, sehingga mereka mengerti di mana saat keras, lembut, memetik satu-per-satu atau mengayun semua strings. Bagaimana di tiap petik bas, hatimu bergetar dan seakan jatuh dari relung dada lo. Suara lo pun mengikuti nada-nada dengan sedikit bergetar, sampai hanya terdengar lirih, tak terdengar, tapi sangat terasa. You want to go mad, cry, angry, surrender. All those emotions running through you, dan lo nggak tahu dari mana semua itu.

Nggak terasa matamu sedikit berair, namun tidak peduli. It's just you and the guitar, your voice, your hurt, your pain. Your love.

You surrender your soul to where the music takes you.

Dan lo seringkali find yourself wishing the music won't stop, yet knowing it inevitably will. Yet you continue, struggling thru the bridge and the ending chours, hingga lagunya sudah sampai ke the ending, trailing off. You immersed yourself, your voice sounds more like a wail, something between a cry and a scream, a sob and a sigh.

And in that moment you, you are nothing. You let go.

'the space between where you smile and hide is where you'll find me if i get to go
the space between the bullets in our firefight is where i'll be hiding, waiting for you
the rain that falls, splashed in your heart ran like sadness down the window into
the space between our wicked lies is where we hope to keep safe from pain'

I thought that Dave Matthews sums this best di ending chorusnya Space Betwwen. So, this is basically the main reason mengapa gue ngerasa ini the song gue paling suka dari Dave Matthews Band.

That place, that one place is where i keep you. Mereka yang pernah gue bilang ke Elda, 'loved ones'. And there they will stay. Karena in real life they never do. Or they change.

Hmm, lucu. I remember being particularly pissed saat ada orang di talkshow MSTriFM bilang bahwa hanya orang yang 'kalah' cinta yang bilang cinta itu tidak harus memiliki. Bahwa cinta itu 'something to fight for'. Walau dia mungkin, mungkin punya point, tapi gue nggak setuju. It's about choice, free will. I may love someone so dearly, that it hurts, tapi itu nggak harus sama dengan yang dia rasain. Kalau dia memilih orang lain, cinta atau tidak, it's her choice. Dan you respect that, walau it breaks your heart, dan lo pingin berteriak dan mengguncang-guncang dia, trying desperately to cling to something that isn't yours.

And you break.

'you could hurt me with your bare hands.
You could hurt me using the sharp end of what you say,'

Of course, di dunia kita sekarang, cowok nggak bisa nunjukin itu. So we sucked in our breath, mengeletukkan gigi dan geraham rapat-rapat, and walked away. Even if it's in the 90s dimana banyak orang menganggap lumrah for guys to cry, or show their feminine side. But all those macho stuff doesn't work inside.

'I hate you. I love you. Stay. Please don't. Go away.'

Bit by bit, you feel better. Tapi you nggak bisa balik ke bagaimana dulu sebelumnya. You still remember. Lucunya, setelah berapa lama, lo pun mulai lupa details, like the why and the how, bahkan mungkin the who. But you remember how it felt. Dan lo keep lugging this baggage of memories for the rest of your life.

This why we (guys) rarely say 'i love you'. Kita masih takut sama hurt yang kita akan hadapin saat kita kehilangan atau kecewa. Or betrayed. Kita semua hanya anak kecil yang ketakutan, tidak (mau) percaya lagi. Seberapa ingin pun kita mau (cinta), kita tidak mau mengalaminya lagi. So we don't say 'i love you'.

'I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose'

I'm fine. Itu jawaban klasik saat ditanya 'Lo nggak apa-apa?"

Di antara 'Oh, gue okay-okay aja kok' ada sisipan "Yah, hanya somebody ripped my heart apart and broke it into tiny little pieces. I'm feeling miserable and trying not to show it, but failed. Dan gue nggak mau lo-lo repot, karena gue bisa ngurusin diri gue sendiri. Walau sebenarnya nggak. Gue mau ngomong betapa sedihnya gue, but the words never came out. Dan gue nggak enak nyusahin lo, toh lo sendiri juga banyak problem, dan gue nggak mau ngebebanin lo." terus the obligatory ending: Thanks for asking.

'in case you fail to notice, in case you fail to see
this is my heart before you, this is me down on my knees'

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, i had a dream. I'd told this dream to Detta, so she should remember which one. Gue bermimpi bertemu dia di depan Louvre, Paris. But while dia melihat gue, she was with somebody else. Dan gue tahu saat itu siapa yang bersama dia. And my heart sank like a ton of bricks. Tentu, you don't show it, apalagi di depan 'saingan' lo yang 'menang' itu. Akhirnya dia ngehampirin gue, sendiri, dan kita berjalan. We walked and walked, sampai ke suatu tempat. A balcony on a plateau looking towards a stream and several hills. (Which made no sense since there are no hills near Paris, but hey this a dream). And i muttered:

"I Love this place. I want to stay here forever"
And she looked around, breathing in the cool fresh air.
Then i'd looked at her, at her face. The face i'd long for.
"I want to love forever."
With a silent 'you'.
My eyes meet hers, and i know at that moment, i lost her.

Sepertinya my subconcious is wiser than me. Hehehe, isn't so simple? Is it? Tapi itu nggak buat semuanya more 'palatable'. And so, it's just another scratch on my collection of heartaches. You'll get over it. Of course, you'll remember it always, but you eventually will feel it less. My own personal collection of ghosts. Hmm, the more you 'struck out', the higher the chances the next one will be the one.

Perchance. Perhaps, Probably.

'if i could tell the world just one thing it would be we're all okay
not to worry cause worry is useless and wasteful in times like these
i won't be made useless, won't be idle with despair'

Sementara itu, dunia asyik dengan konfliknya sendiri-sendiri. Pick your favourite adversaries: Intel vs AMD, ATI vs NVIDIA, US vs the world, Islam vs Christianity, socialism vs liberalism,etc. Thousands will rise, thousands will die. And we will relive it all again. The waste, the uselessness, the futility. A heart-broken cry of a mother, the angry rage of the mob. My problems seems trivial right? Just another problem to be put aside for a bigger purpose, the good of many. And people will not care.

Prove me wrong, please?

The more failures you have, the closer you are to success. If you have faith in (me) finding the one true love, then you must also believe in the chance of this world will change for the better. Likewise, the other way around. Atau bisa saja lo nggak percaya kedua-duanya, tapi kayaknya what you all have right now is proof enough bahwa there is hope.

That there is a chance.

(all of these are) something worth fighting for...

'take my hand cause we're walking out of here
right out, right out of here
love is all we need, dear
the space between what's wrong and right is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
the space between your heart and mine is the space we'll fill with time'