Main Entry: lu·cid
Pronunciation: 'lü-s&d
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin lucidus, from lucEre
1 a : suffused with light : LUMINOUS b :TRANSLUCENT
2 : having full use of one's faculties : SANE
3 : clear to the understanding : INTELLIGIBLE
synonym see CLEAR
lu·cid·ly adverb
lu·cid·ness noun
again it was of her. but then again it's always about her, isn't?
it's peaceful here, i looked around and found myself standing on a patch of grassland, green meadows on top of a hill. the grass high but not tall, like something you'd find on english garden parties. you can smell it all around you, the scent annoyingly fresh. it was daytime, and everything was lit in lukewarm white.
the sun was shining, but it was not the usual blinding, torturous heat. above, a white canopy covers the sky and rows of white chairs, much like you do in a church or a wedding fills the space below the canopy. a wedding? i see my parents and hers.
i'm standing before the altar. my wedding? but where's the bride? i looked around, there's noone else here.
then i saw her.
she's with someone else. a man? a friend or "afriend"? looking closer, i notice she's was not wearing your usual a wedding gown, all she had on was a beige summer slacks with a loose white shirt for a top, a white summer hat.
after that everything became a little blurry.
did i fainted? when i came to, she was kneeling down in front ofme. She's saying something, but i can't make out the words.
all i can think of is how frighteningly real this dream is.
i can sense her in front of me, like she was really there. she kept saying the same thing overand over again, but her voice seems muffledsomehow. i can hear her, but can't hear the words. it felt like all my senses were mixed upside down, inside out. her sweet, soft perfume fills my nostrils. on an impluse i reached for her left hand.
it was there! i can feel it!
i gently caress the skin on the back of her palm, kneeling forward, i hold her by the shoulders.
all the time she was saying something, but i could only think of one thing. "I can taste you,i can sense you, i can touch you. It's so real."oh, let this be real.
my breath became shallow and fear set in. what happened? did i die? is this real? how did i endup here? why can't i remember anything before this? i struggled to wake up, trying to jar my mind back to reality.
yet, at the same time, i knew this is probably a dream. one that i wanted so bad, so much. just to be with her again, one more time. with her, her skin, her taste, her touch.
then everything started to fade into reality.
i was in my bed, in my room, alone.
i know i wanted to cry, right then and there.
i wanted,
no.
i needed to see her again.
damn it!!!GOD!!!
is that to much to ask? a repressed desire thatkeeps bubbling up once in a while, unexpected.
then i finally heard what she was saying.
"we're not here."
"we're not here."
"we're not here."
closing my eyes, i tried to force my tears out. but they wouldn't come. they couldn't come! and i wondered, why, oh why. why can't you even let me let her go
could this be another dream i've failed?
a dream of a life that could've been. with her.
the one...
the one i...
love?
even after self-alienation and cutting my heart into little pieces, slicing it smaller and smaller till it doesn't even hurt anymore, could i still be holding ... hope?
i've burned my bridges, my memories, till i can't remember anything beyond this existence. all to embrace a nihilist life, a pragamatist existensialist.
void of desire,
of want,
of emotions.
"it could never be"
"it could never be"
"it could never be"
i've chosen this path by my own voliton. of freewill. i would never ask anyone else to do the same. certainly not her.
especially not her
she deserve so much better. a full, happy life filled with joy. one i know i will never be ableto fully provide. one with praise and selflesscare.
and love.
and
...faith.
a part of me will never fully accept that, and she knows it. i would never lie to her, and certainly not about that, something she deeply believes in, though she may not realize it attimes.
yet my heart screams in silence,
"if you asked, i will."
"you will what?"
"i will believe"
"for you"
for her
is that the truth? or a lie? just another lie in my web of lies and deceit.
i don't know,
i don't know,
i don't know,
maybe both, maybe neither. so i stayed away. but kept her memories, what she meant and will always mean to me.
the embodiement of everything that's clean, of something pure and good in this world. of everything i'm not and never will be. something even in my damned existence i will protect. i'm drawn to it, even if i'm alergic, and touching it would surely kill me, kill off the hatred i have become.
something i love.
as every bit of my heart and mind turns black with darkness, she became the single light within. a place that only shines brighter within the darkness. a place that still remains terrifiyingly beautiful and dreadfullycompassionate.
Trent Reznor's strained, tortured voice came tomy ear.
"Please, take this
And run far away, far as you can see
I am tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
All these pieces and promises and left behinds
If only i could seeIn my nothing
You meant everything, everything to me"
In keeping her so deep, deeper than even mychildhood memories, she has become everything.
she was...
she is hope.
i understand that now.
though i have left her so long, so far...she has never left me.
and i finally cried
---
while this writing is based on real life experiences and events, it's actually meant as a paraphrased prose to Nine Inch Nails - Still (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00005Y225/sr=8-1/qid=1156503465/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-0702553-7799227?ie=UTF8). like many of Trent Reznor's works, Still is a concept album(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concept_album), though technically, it's just an EP bonus to a live performance disc. Other concept albums byTrent Reznor is the Downward Spiral and the Fragile, both of which, he describe in his words:
“I wanted this album (The Fragile) to sound like there was something inherently flawed in the situation, like someone struggling to put the pieces together. Downward Spiral was about peeling off layers and arriving at a naked, ugly end. This album starts at the end, then attempts to create order from chaos, but never reaches the goal. It’s probably a bleaker album because it arrives back where it starts—[with] the same emotion.” The album begins “Somewhat Damaged” and ends “Ripe (With Decay).”
Like many of his works, Still is beautifully vague. Reznor prefer to let his audience define the meaning of the music for themselves, rather than pushing his own to everyone else. So, this prose, in many ways, represent what Still is to me, interjected and mixed with real life and imagined happenings and emotion i've experienced with Still.
No comments:
Post a Comment