i have a confession to make

i am mentally ill

the illness is called bipolar spectrum disorder

some of you quite probably are more familiar with the old term - manic depression. bipolar spectrum disorder (or bipolar disorder for short) is a clinical definition of the illness.

as the name suggest, bipolar disorder involves extreme mood swings - mania (high) and depression (low), so it is different from the more traditional unipolar disorder (depression). as is often the case, there are several mood states between the two extremes and subtypes of the illness (hence the term bipolar spectrum disorder). I fit the criteria of Bipolar II.

a person suffering bipolar disorder may even exhibit signs of both mania and depression at the same time - a mixed state. Kay Redfield Jamison, who wrote Touched with Fire, is a physician well known for her work with bipolar disorder. namely, because she also suffers from the illness.

"The clinical reality of manic-depressive illness is far more lethal and infinitely more complex than the current psychiatric nomenclature, bipolar disorder, would suggest. Cycles of fluctuating moods and energy levels serve as a background to constantly changing thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. The illness encompasses the extremes of human experience. Thinking can range from florid psychosis, or "madness", to patterns of unusually clear, fast and creative associations, to retardation so profound that no meaningful mental activity can occur. Behavior can be frenzied, expansive, bizarre, and seductive, or it can be seclusive, sluggish, and dangerously suicidal. Moods may swing erratically between euphoria and despair or irritability and desperation. The rapid oscillations and combinations of such extremes result in an intricately textured clinical picture."

let me iterate that clinical explanation from a more personal perspective.

like many persons suffering from this illness, i've been suffering from bipolar disorder for most of my life, without realizing i have the illness. i've always known and realized that i was different from the average person. and not in a good way. people who've known me for a long time can attest to that. like many people suffering from bipolar disorder, my illness was also misdiagnosed as unipolar disorder - depression - since this is the state that attracts the most attention. so when depression have run its course, most people assume all is well. but the truth is of course i'm not well - the actual disorder was never treated.

bipolar disorder states are often triggered by an event in the patient's life - success in life will trigger manic states, while failure or loss will trigger depressive states. it's hard to remember when my first bout with the illness began - more likely it occured in pre adolescent era of my life. it may even be earlier. during these years, i've exhibited the first signs of the illness (that now i'm only beginning to remember) - my inability to cope with certain issues, personal and social and other matters in life. these early episodes of depression and mania, plus the absence of treatment will let the illness shape my personality in the years to come.

bipolar disorder is unique in that the illness causes abnormal, disassociative behavior in people suffering from it, but at the same time these behavior are often regarded as a character trait. it is unnervingly vicious and cruel in this regard. in the long run, misdiagnosed patients like myself will likely 'internalize' the behavior often associated with the disorder into his / her own personality. simply put, my personality began to change. sometimes in states depression, or mixed states, i begin to act strangely.

irrational buying sprees, indecisiveness, lethargy (loss of energy), lack of sleep, talking to myself, delusions of grandeur, paranoia, self loathing, and violent tendencies. i remember i used to 'enjoy' smashing my head to hard objects like concrete walls for no particular reason. why? i 'enjoy' the loss of control, the feeling of pain. it overshadowed my thoughts, drowning out the noises in my head. there are times, when i can't control my thoughts or the flow of it, they fill my head with so much noise that i couldn't sleep when i need to. self destruction became a 'drug' to quiet these noises. the loss of control or conciousness also provided a much needed relief from the world.

of course, there were 'traits' related to mania as well.

seemingly endless energy, wanting to do several things at once, not needing much sleep (2 - 3 hours per day - there are times when i could go on and on with just half an hour of sleep). slurred speech (talking too fast), creative episodes - my head is so full ideas and i need to get them all out, laughing out loud suddenly without any reason, joy and happiness almost to the point of enlightenment, heightened sexual desires.

very much like a raging bull in a stampede.

of course i didn't know it then, as many did that these actions are the illness manifestating itself. people and myself often regard these behaviors as personality quirks. thankfully, recent years have revealed a decline in these behaviors.

as is the norm with bipolar disorders, depressive states will occur after mania have run its course, sometimes lasting much longer (three times longer). there were also times of psychosis (though i didn't know it then).

"Common psychotic symptoms are hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of things not actually there) and delusions (false, strongly held beliefs not influenced by logical reasoning or explained by a person's usual cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder tend to reflect the extreme mood state at the time. For example, delusions of grandiosity, such as believing one is the President or has special powers or wealth, may occur during mania; delusions of guilt or worthlessness, such as believing that one is ruined and penniless or has committed some terrible crime, may appear during depression."

because i didn't know the illness is causing these behaviors, i 'convinced' myself that this is what i am.

all of this is me.
i really believe it then, and to some extent, i believe it still.

my mind started to fill in the blanks, reassuring this 'belief'. so i 'become' a freak of nature, tolerated only for my 'intellectual and creative abilities' since i lack any social skills due to the disease.

a path assured to self destruction.

it was a personal hell, believing yourself to be 'damaged' or 'broken'. i would hurt people, physically and emotionally and won't feel remorse or regret for my actions. i know it was wrong, but i couldn't control it - myself - this monster i have inside me. i began to believe that i'm evil - that i really was the person the illness had made me. i shouldn't even be allowed to live. i hated myself, what i have become, and resigned to the fact that i must accept this as my fate, my destiny. i believed i'm a horrible person who hurt the people around him merely just being around.

to deal with this problem and to avoid injury and harm to others, i detached myself. i didn't allow people inside my personal life than they need to, i stop talking to my friends, even my own family. though i often comment on things, i only told a selected few my personal beliefs. even then, i kept much more hidden away inside.

that i secretly 'enjoyed' violence, the feeling of control and loss of it. anger, rage, hatred fills my head on a daily basis. it was very hard to keep myself 'normal' and not punch someone's face i 'hate' into a broken mesh of flesh and bones. obviously, its the mania talking. it was either that or going to the nuthouse, or worse, jail.

thankfully, Trent Reznor's music (Trent have also admitted he too suffers from bipolar disorder) allowed me an escape, a release of sorts 'to flesh out the demons in my head'. listening to NIN's music, the noises and voices inside my head was finally in harmony. they made sense to my twisted personality. however, the music have an added side effect - they reaffirm my own twisted beliefs. ultimately, there were times i lost control and succumb to my violent tendencies, to those on the receiving end - i can only i am truly sorry.

i kept my mouth shut and wouldn't talk about my 'problems' or other personal issues and beliefs with other people. i limit myself to talking about work or trivial social matters. it was hard, but it was easier - at least now i got along with people, but most importantly they got along with me. at least well enough. they often said i'm much calmer now then i was several years ago or when they first met me.

but the truth is that i chose to direct and release my bipolar excesses inside - onto myself. i couldn't hold a job, nearly dropped out of college and barely graduated on my last year. there were no friends i can talk to about my problems, my relationships were all in shambles.

i really wanted to die, or for someone to kill me. i've lost the will to live, but somehow managed not to kill myself.

i came so close to self destruction, i genuinely believe there is nothing left of me. i cared for nothing, felt nothing. living only because my brain still work, my heart still beats, my lungs still fills with air. if death comes my way, i will gladly greet it - a release of this nihilistic life. but the opportunity never present itself.

like most people with bipolar disorder. this was not the first time i've experience these feelings. people living with bipolar disorders often have cycles, formed around life changing events - manic and depressive episode triggers. but my mind was too messed up to think that there probably is something wrong with me - that i needed help. it convinced me that i'm a failure and that is all i am.

thus the spiral continues.

but i'm still here.
i'm still here,
because of hope.

as is often the case, it comes in the form of a person - a person that's very dear to me but also one i've hurt in the past. maybe it was love (at least in my part), but i think it was greater than that.

it was on one of the few relapses from the illness. i was sober enough to pass as a normal person. the very short time i've spent with her convinced me there is something good in life

something worth living for.

being with her was,
like,
absolution.
total surrender.
and the noises in my head went away.

all the anger, rage, fear, hatred in my heart ebbed away into nothingness when she is with me, or when i think of her. i wanted to be the man she saw when she looked at me. something more beside this twisted flesh and thoughts, something beyond the illness.

though there would be no love between us (at least i believe so), she had already given me more than i can possibly for myself.

life.

thank you, hope.

this is my own personal description of bipolar disorder. how it takes your life and yourself away from you, and your loved ones. it twists you into believing you are indeed what the illness makes you. how cruel the illness is and how the clinical term don't do the illness justice. i wrote this to know what the illness have done to me, as a reminder of the man i was.

if knowing yourself was half the battle, then the other half is knowing the enemy - the illness. however, i'm still trying to cope with the other aspects of the illness.

there is no cure for bipolar disorder.

there is a life-long course of treatment, based on medicine and psychotherapy to help people like myself manage the illness. so, there is no reason why i can't have a full, productive life. however, suffering from the illness for such a long time have made me an 'addict' to both mania and depression.

it's a hard habit to break

in fact i had a period of manic and depressive episode a month ago, and still recovering from the mess it left me. hopefully, in time i will gain the strength to recognize episode and isolate triggers, even control myself until the mania or depression have run its course.

bipolar disorder is also hereditary - partly genetics, partly environment (upbringing) and other factors. so my children, if i choose to have them, will likely have a predisposition to develop the same disorder, and that is a heavy weight to bear.

but at least i know what i'm up against. and i now know there's something to me beside the illness.

and that is good.
that is good.